SoaringSpirits

I am in a very dark place and I don't know where to turn. I have no one to talk to and I don't know what to do.

My backstory is that I was the wife of an alcoholic and am now divorced. I'm raising our teenagers. I have a 19 year old daughter whom we adopted from the foster care system when she was 10. She is a great girl but not without her share of emotional, attachment, and learning issues.

During the last year or so, I've had increasing challenges in my relationship with her. She's been at college, which has helped. Nothing horrendous, but always the feeling I'm walking on eggshells around her. She is very, very emotional --- cries and sobs at the drop of a hat. She's always been very moody; I never know what mood she'll be in. We've had a few serious fights (one several years ago that became physical) and have been in some counseling together.

On Sunday night I prepared a nice dinner and we were all about to sit down to eat. She came into the kitchen and started into this weird conversation about a broken kitchen pan handle. She was kind of grilling me about what sauce pans were broken. It was odd. I was a bit exasperated it came out in my tone of voice. To this she flew off the handle (pardon the pun) and started up about how she was just asking questions and why do I always have to be so mean. I was SO confused. And then I got angry.

We wound up yelling at each other. Me telling her to "grow up" and she telling me I "have no emotion" (I'm quite emotional). It was a horrible fight. Then she threw her dinner plate at me, and it bounced across the kitchen counter and food went everywhere. I felt so much rage. I grabbed her by the shoulders and the fight wound up becoming physical. She punched me in the face and I slapped her multiple times. My younger daughter wound up in the middle, trying to break it up. We were screaming. It was horrendous. I screamed at my daughter to "get out!" and felt like my whole world had exploded.

My daughter has now been gone for 2 nights. I feel absolutely bereft. I feel confused and angry and so tired of all of the years of her emotional breakdowns. Allowing myself to be out of control and allowing the fight to become physical makes me sick. I feel like a monster.

Now my daughter says she won't be near me without a 3rd party because she "does not feel safe" around me. I told her I would help her get back into counseling and that we could go together to try to resolve some things. I asked her yesterday to please not involve my parents. They are in their 80s and in poor health; they do not need the stress.

My daughter then proceeded to go to my parents and tell them everything. My mother tends to stick her nose into my business a lot. I really didn't need her influence as I try to sort out this terrible mess. My daughter just emailed me today to tell me that my parents know everything "because they really needed to know" and that she is now planning to live with them.

I feel such complete despair right now. I am sitting here at work, unable to work. Unable to focus or do anything. I feel terrible about what happened with my daughter, and also angry at her. I have lived through so much madness with my XAH, and sometimes it feels like I am now living through madness with my daughter.

Please help me.