Thanks all for the kind words. As far as downsizing, it is not urgent, just thinking out loud, really. I like this house and could stay here, but there are times that starting fresh has its own appeal - I am sure the reminders and memories would fade, it's just a house after all. Anyway, not urgent.
She seems pretty sure this is just temporary, that she will be able to get herself together and we will reconcile. I have avoided saying anything about that - I don't want to be hurtful or paint myself into a corner with promises I don't feel like keeping. I am not making any big decisions right now other than getting some distance and keeping the insanity away so I can take care of myself.
It has been a long struggle to get to the point where I feel comfortable refusing to accommodate her bad behavior, but I am there. I will say this, it is one thing to see the wisdom of the Alanon approach, it is entirely another to assimilate and integrate it, to apply it unconsciously. It has been hard to let go of the impulses to take care of her, accommodate her "needs", and sublimate the conflict - for so long it seemed so at odds with my easy-going nature. I no longer see it that way, but feel it is finally part of who I am rather than some weird prescription that seemed at odds with my impulses to respond. I still can't always do the right thing, but at least I can see it and understand why it is the better path.
By the way, for the record, I don't want to give the impression that I consider myself some kind of expert on Alonon. I have been to meetings, and read a lot of the material, but have never gotten a sponsor or worked the steps. My study of the concepts and an appreciation of the overall approach to the problem, though, has helped me enormously. It has led me to many insights and removed my preconceptions as to the nature of the beast she struggles with, as well as giving me ways to let go of unhealthy and counterproductive impulses.
So far, after an entire day of her being gone, I have to say that the moments of loneliness are fewer than I expected, and more than compensated by the RELIEF of having the chaos and muddled thinking away from me, along with its attendant low-level stress. I have no illusions that it's all a big party from now on, but am savoring the peace and quiet right here right now.
Thank you all again.