"here I am feeling like God should not waste His time on me because I have blown it. "
that is a lie satan is telling you!!
satan works on us in many ways. im sure you know scripture and that scripture can prove that.
GOD WILL NOT WASTE HIS TIME ON YOU!!
remember Saul? he slayed christians in the name of Christianity! im sur eyou know what happened and how he turned around and became one of the greatest deciples( that's my opinion about the greatest).
there are so many more examples int he bible of this- more than I can think of right now.
romans 5:6-For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly
He is there and will help IF you put in the footwork and change( repent).
this is addiction- it is not something that I alone could conquer. I not only needed God, I needed others to help me. I turned to face to fac support. im gonna send you a Pm with a good suggestion for ya!