lillamy

I met many older women in Al-Anon who credited Al-Anon with being able to continue living with their alcoholic husbands. They were, however, all women in their 70s and 80s; another generation, who by and large had been housewives, didn't have a career or much of an education, and simply had no choice. They stayed because they had to; Al-Anon made it more bearable for them.

So WHAT?
So because he's been through abuse in his life, he has the right to treat other people like crap?

Listen: This is one thing I've successfully made my children understand after leaving their AF: Everyone deals with some garbage in their lives. Some suffer more abuse than others. But everyone has a choice whether to find healthy or unhealthy ways of coping with what life has handed them.

I used to work in a nursing home when I was in college. We had this girl there, Hannah. Hannah would be late for work, not show up for her shifts, etc., and she would always blame the fact that she "had an abusive childhood." Finally one day, one of the older aides had had it, and confronted her and said: "Hey, listen, Hannah: When I was three years old, I was hiding under the couch when my dad beat my mom to death. SOMEHOW, I still manage to show up to work on time. You're only a victim if you want to be."

I've told that story more times than I can count. Your ex -- he's now your EX, you can choose to leave him there, in the past -- has a choice every day he gets up whether to be a victim or a responsible adult. Don't let him suck you back in with the "poor me" routine. And don't let anyone else guilt you into doing it either. If other people feel the need to help him be a victim, I would have no problem going no contact with them either.

Chin up, buttercup. You don't need a millstone around your neck. You can go much further without it.