heartstrings
hi all, i'm just wondering has anyone been able to create a good enough/ lasting relationship with an alcoholic partner by applying the al anon programme? i suppose that's what i was trying to do for the few months before my relationship ended and i don't have that long in al anon, maybe a year and a half of once a week meetings. but it seemed no matter what i did there were times where he was just determined to wind me up until i lost it. this would happen more easily if i had pmt. why would anyone want to wind their partner up? he even said to me once of his ex- i knew exactly which buttons to push, i haven't figured you out yet though! are they all like this?
the weekend was hard. he texted me 2 days and i didn't answer as i had decided no contact. then i wondered if i was being unfair. then because i didn't answer. he textd that he was going back to his ex. normally this might panic me but i think i'm just tired of it all. i still didn't respond. but then yesterday i bumped into him as we live near each other and got into a short conversation. basically it ended with me reminding him that he woulldn't talk to me last time he was sober and i dont want him to text me when he starts drinking. seeing him, talking to him brought up a lot of panful feelings, i cried a lot yesterday and wanted to say a lot more.
the thing is i knew he was an alcoholic before i got involved, i chose to keep going back for more unacceptable behaviour and i do believe at some point we have to take responsibility and start looking after ourselves. then today a mutual friend told me how much my ex is drinking, all the abuse he has been through and i know it's true and it pulls at my heart strings but i tried so hard and i dont believe i can help and i know i will keep getting hurt if i stay involved with him. and then comes the most awful thought- what if he died and i hadn't been talking to him. and the reality is he can't keep drinking vodka like he is and survive much longer. loving, caring about an active alcoholic is so difficult. all i can do at the moment is pray for him. i am still too emotionally involved to be able to just be a friend. thanks for reading.