Thread: Is it just me?
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Old 06-24-2014, 10:27 AM
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idledreamer
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 39
Is it just me?

It's been awhile since I posted, but I had a fight with my ABF last night. Which is big, because we rarely fight (mostly due to me avoiding it like the plague).

Ever since his DUI I've practiced distancing myself. Trying not to judge, but letting him make his own decisions. It seemed to be going well for a while. He was humbled and really seemed to want to change. But since he's lost his license, it's been different.

He stopped smoking pot, which has been great, but he's started buying alcohol again (he had stopped doing that right after the DUI). Anytime he goes to a DUI class or AA meeting, he comes out saying he needs a drink. Sometimes he tries to get out of going to AA meetings, by saying he just wants to spend some time with me, but I tell him he should go and we can meet up afterwards. I have less tolerance for him drinking and I'm definitely fed up with his whiny attitude about it. Which is not necessarily helpful, but I'm trying not to enable.

So last night we had an argument where all of his frustration came out about my lack of empathy and distancing myself, etc. That I haven't been recognizing his achievements in sobriety and am just judging him. That he feels like I'm just waiting for him to get his license back and then I'll dump him. Then he threw in some a**hole comments criticizing me for not being ready to move in with him and "take a small step forward" despite me asking him about what a general picture of our future would look like. Even pulled the "in AA, which you want me to go to, it's all about living day to day so how can you expect me to think any further than that?" Which I get, but at the same time, I'm not asking him to plot down a concrete future. I'm just asking if we have the same basic ideas for what an "ideal future" would hold and then reality will change it. (I'll spare you the details of my half of the argument. It's mostly me being overwhelmed by a lot of changes in my life. And reiterating how much it hurts me to see him drink. Blah blah blah.)

I'm posting because I'm wondering if this is normal. Is this him not surrendering fully to his alcoholism and taking it out on me? Or is it me? Is it me pulling out of our relationship? Last night it felt like I wasn't supporting him enough when he really needs it, but now I feel like it's not just that. That it's so much more than that, but it's easy for him to take it out on me. Because I'm the only one to fully witness the consequences of his addiction. I'm enforcing consequences by encouraging him to go to AA and choosing not to hang out with him when he's been drinking.

It's my first real relationship and I can't tell if this is addiction related or a fundamental relationship problem. I'm sure probably both, but I figure some of you might have similar experiences. I'd love to hear them.
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