Forgive me if I don't sound as articulate as I seemed in my first thread here. There's so much on my mind that it exhausts me in a sense.
My husband makes me happy. So does my little sister. Animals make me happy. Travel makes me happy. The thought of having a child or children with my husband within the coming years makes me happy. Chocolate chip cookies make me happy.
...Made that list in the car after a half-assed workout at the park.
Even though these are things I enjoy, knowing that I cannot drink again (but is it really 'ever' again?) makes me really, really sad. Absolutely depressed ABOUT the thought of forever sober.
One way of thinking: "I've had my drunken fun. I've hurt a lot. I don't know when to stop drinking despite plans I make, usually. I had plenty of wine in England, France, and ITALY three years ago when I was 20. Enough of this. I have messed up and hurt those I love most. Done."
Other way of thinking: "Dude. I'm 23. I am young. I just graduated. German, Russian, Dutch, and Italian; off the hook! Surely I'm not too much different from the world or anyone else's drinking behaviors. I'll stop for a bit (perhaps a few years) to readjust my marriage. Then I will have control!"
Sober for three days, confused, upset with myself, asking why my mind is going crazy with the desire to stop AND the desire to continue drinking. Where's the fun, and truly guys, WHERE is the fun without alcohol? I used to know. Now I can't find it and feel like I never will. What about the next 10 weddings I go to? Get togethers with friends? Date night with my husband?!
