Hey everyone - just want to say I'm really appreciating all the different perspectives of the situation and I agree with all of them. I hope you will keep them coming as they are helping me affirm the truth of the situation: I was in love with a person who didn't actually exist and convinced myself that if I just hung in there long enough and showed him true love he could be the person I believed he was.
In the end when he broke up with me he said - "I don't think I have whatever it is you see in me - I told you I wasn't a good person and I'm broken." That may have been the truest thing he's ever told me and even then I didn't want to believe it.
I don't know why this was so hard for me to accept but putting it all in perspective and knowing that I should've held him to the standards of how I wanted and deserved to be treated vs. lowering them to tolerate how horribly I was treated me and how little he appreciated me, this nightmare could've been over a long time ago and a LOT less painful.
Despite all that, I CAN tell things are getting much better in my life without him because:
- I've become incredibly healthy: eating right, exercising and meditating
- Pursued my hobbies and interests which has lead me to make new connects
- Got a great job that is MUCH better (making significantly more money, getting better experiences with a great company culture) than the one I lost (though at the time I thought it was the best one I would ever get - trying to tell myself that it's probably the same case with this relationship. I.E. at the time I thought it was the best, but the best is - hopefully - yet to come).
- Landed a very exclusive interview next week with my dream job
- Learned how to create healthy boundaries in other relationships
- Got invited to compete in a state level pageant although I have no experience because applied just for fun which put me outside of my comfort zone but let my personality shine
- Have developed a much better relationship with my parents because I've leaned on them for support/opened up about what's been going on
- getting a professional certification that will improve my resume/earning power
- I am finally taking the trip to Machu Picchu that I've always wanted to take but put off because I didn't want to go alone; I'm going to be there on my 26th birthday which I feel will be tremendously adventurous and fulfilling.
ALL of these improvements have happened for me just a month out from the break up - I don't think I'd be doing half of these things if I were still holding onto that toxic relationship.
So yes - the situation still really hurts (I frequently cycle between being "OK", numb or dejected), but I try to remind myself that I know the person that did that to me because he was never the person I thought he was inside/wanted him to be and he probably never will be. I'm trying to detach with compassion. Clearly his demons are running his life and I do not want to keep spite or anger in my heart. My hope is that by continuing to focus on myself and finding my own happiness and being content with being alone, I will eventually find the person I'm supposed to be with. Right now I'm committing myself to not jumping into anything new just to avoid the feelings of loneliness and disappointment.
Everyday I feel like I'm getting stronger and learning more reasons to love myself - not for being perfect, not for knowing everything but for being who I am and doing my best. All I can hope is that my future partner appreciates me - without endless work and heartache on my part - and demonstrates they do by mirroring their words should be with their actions.
Again, I really appreciate you all helping put this in perspective. I'm hoping that by the end off this it will be the experience/life lesson that propels me forward for continued growth and consciousness so that I may be fully-present and engaged in this experience we call life. If there's one thing I'm grateful for it's that - I'm OK with participating in life (even when it hurts) without being dependent on needing external substances to tolerate it.
Looking back right now, my regret is not being vulnerable to love that deeply but not having the clarity to see that I should've left a LONG time ago. I'm trying not to focus on time and energy lost, but rather on how much is left to devote to the next chapter. Thank you all for taking the time to share your words of support and wisdom - if you have more please don't hesitate to share them; I can't put into words how helpful it is.