TryingtoLearn....I feel your pain and feelings of being in a pit. I can let you know I had to crawl out of my pit with Baby steps....baby steps! Be gentle with yourself.... you have already been beat up enough. Going to an Al-Anon meeting with be so good for you! You will learn how to take those Baby Steps and start taking care of "you"!
There IS light at the end of the dark tunnel of alcoholism and there are A LOT of people that will hold out their hand to you to help you through. Each day will get better, little by little. You WILL survive and you will learn to be happy and full of life again! I promise!!
Sending a giant hug and prayers for your healing.