Sorry that it's long-winded but I'm pouring my heart out for help. Luckily I'm about a month out from the break up now so I'm feeling a LOT better than I was, but I'm still left with a gapping void in my life/struggling to understand what the **** happened. Any advice/feedback to help me understand the situation and why he did what he did is appreciated could provide closure:
- Last month, my ex of 3 years (2 solid, 1 on-and-off/back-and-forth) said he loved me and wanted to work on things but 24 hours later admitted he cheated on me and broke up with me; it was quite devastating and unexpected
- I dated him for two years straight and fell for him hard despite all the indications that I shouldn't; at the time, he seemed to care about me SO much - more than anyone I'd ever dated - so I tolerated his alcoholism as long as I could until I couldn't do it anymore
- Initially, I didn't recognize his problems because I'd never been with someone who had a drinking problem and a lot of people our age party hard. It wasn't until I noticed he was getting tanked pretty much EVERY night and was so used to being drunk that he could hide it that I realized his symptoms were infiltrating our closeness/beginning to drive us apart because I felt more and more isolated in he relationship/responsible for making it "work". (Before the drinking problem/before I met him he had a drug problem - mostly pills, Xanax/molly - so I think in his mind, he was doing pretty good/better.)
- While he was drunk, he was never physically or emotionally abusive but he also was not present or in the moment so if anything got done (trips, dates, etc.) it was at my urging/insistence and I put up with it because he'd had a traumatic childhood/absent and drug-addicted mom. I wanted to help him because I felt what I would describe as a cosmic connection to him; I've never felt this way about anyone else and it was very intense. I was sad that he'd had a hard life and wanted to help him have a good/quality one - I wanted to make him happy.
- When I first met him he was living in a crappy apartment (found roaches once in a while) with a shifty roommate and neglecting his job because he was often unfocused and late because of his drinking problem but he seemed to genuinely love and care for me (emotionally anyway) so I figured that was worth fighting for.
- I supported him in literally every way you can think of (got him a big screen TV, found his new/awesome apartment closer to his job, took him to the ER when he needed stitches, got him a pure breed bengal cat so he wouldn't be lonely when I left for grad school, took him on an all expense paid week-long trip to Universal in Orlando because he had never been, on trips to the beach and mountains, etc) to show him how much I cared. I also, worked hard to maintain my body, looks, education and job to try to be a girlfriend he could be proud of/want to keep.
- In February 2013, I broke up with him because I was living an hour away for graduate school and threw out my back and couldn't move - I asked for his help (because I literally couldn't get out of bed/was in the worst pain of my life) but he didn't want to come even though I needed him because he preferred to drink with his friend. Honestly, I didn't want to break up with him and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I still loved him.
- The next year was complicated in that he said he was trying to get sober and kept me at arm's length saying he couldn't get back together with me officially until he recovered; I held out hoping he could get better so we could be together again even though it was insanely hard and torturous. I even stopped drinking in front of him/when we spent time together - and sometimes on my own/when we were apart even thought I never had a problem with it and don't really enjoy it that much anyway - in order to try and understand him and what he was going through better. Please note he never did any programs or anything like that. I think he went to a couple therapy sessions at my urging and just plain stopped drinking (or so he claims) without addressing the reasons for his addictive nature.
- LONG story short, after three months of being rejected I said I might date other people - not because I really wanted to but because 1) I hoped it would incentivize him to make sure he didn't lose me 2) I didn't want to feel like I was putting my life on hold for him (even though I was because anytime I started having feelings for anyone else, I pushed them away - even though in hindsight some of them could've been much better matches for me)
That whole time (year) he said he didn't want to be with anyone else but me and still loved me but needed to focus on his sobriety so I kept waiting because I really wanted it to work out with him. I once thought he might be the one and my dedication would prove we were supposed to be together. I even stayed positive for him when I was terminated from my job in April and tried not to complain in order not to derail his progress/focus on his goal.
Finally, he started sounding so healthy and positive that I was amazed! I felt this was what I had finally been waiting for! I was so impressed I told him so and even admitted I wasn't sure if he'd get there but that it was totally worth the wait and he agreed. We were supposed to see each other the following week to spend the night together for the first time in a month. I was so excited and proud that I got him a card and wrote him a song telling him so.
- The next week when we were supposed to see each other, he flaked on me with a weak-ass excuse telling me he was busy/tired from work even though he knew how important it was to me. I asked jokingly if he was seeing someone else and he admitted he was. I was flabbergasted because I had always been honest with him when I dated other people (and told him before I even met them so he could object if he chose to) while waiting for him to get sober. He told me she wasn't that important to him and that it just sort of happened because he had been around her during climbing sessions (his new focus now that he doesn't drink/claimed it helped him curb his cravings so I had actually been ENCOURAGING him to go). But also he claimed it had only been going on a couple of weeks and that they hadn't had sex yet. He said he still loved me and we could talk about it in person on Saturday (this was Thursday when he said it).
- All day Friday I was consumed with heartache and cried my eyes out; couldn't understand how he could lie to me about dating someone else (especially because our relationship was supposedly founded on honesty/after everything I'd done for him) but was still looking forward to seeing him thinking we could reconcile. I was so sure it would be the start of a new beautiful stage between us that I wore my sexiest lingerie to impress him because I'd been working out in anticipating of our reunion. Basically all that ended up happening is he came over on Saturday and broke up with me - he wasn't willing to hear me out or really even discuss it because he clearly already had his mind made up before arriving. All he could say is that he didn't want "this" anymore and he realized he had "other options."
- I was shocked because both Thursday and Friday he said he still loved me but Saturday, he confessed that when he told me he was spending time with his friend Friday he had actually ****** her and no longer had feelings for me afterwards. I begged him not to do this to me and to give me a month just to see if he was just confused because I definitely still loved him even knowing he cheated on me but he refused said he didn't want to stop seeing her.
- This was after he begged me several times not to leave/always said whatever it took to make me stay and after I was still reeling from losing my job (which he knew). The second and only other time in three years I told him I needed him, he wasn't just not there - he left me.
- Lastly, since I quickly realized I couldn't trust him anymore/he's most likely been seeing/******* this girl longer than he admitted, I got tested and came up with HPV when I didn't have it before (I know for a fact because I got tested just three months ago and was clean of everything). Worst of all, he was holding me and kissing me and caressing me the whole time he was breaking up with me while I was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. I was so upset that when he told me he slept with this other woman and I got up to walk away I passed out/hit the floor.
- At the time I just wanted him to comfort me because it felt like he must still love me if he was making physical contact and I didn't want him to leave and I felt confused - in hindsight I feel disgusted that he could sleep with someone the night before/same day he told me he still loves me and then put those same hands and lips he had on someone else on me. In hindsight it makes me sick especially with the HPV diagnosis. I'm lucky that the doctor says it should clear from my system on its own but the idea that he could give me anything is repulsive. What if it had been herpes, or HIV, etc? Seriously, WTF!? Even worse, he was trying to convince me this was a good breakup because he got to hold me one last time and we weren't screaming and yelling at each other. As a parting gift he gave me his cold so while I was in the worst part of the heartache I was sick as a dog too; that was the cherry on top.
- At the end of the day, I've honestly tried everything I could to make/keep him happy and spent all my patience - and nearly my sanity - to keep this relationship together; but the whole time it felt one-sided/like I was the only one really trying. He even blamed his gradual falling out of love (which he never told me until the day he broke up with me saying, "I know I said I love you, but I don't think I'm IN love with you anymore") on me because when we were together I admitted I was bi to him (one of the few people I ever told) because I wanted to be my authentic self with him and asked if he'd be OK with me hooking up with a bi girl friend of mine.
He freaked out about it because two of his exes had cheated on him with women.
- Obviously I had no way of knowing that but I didn't think that was fair because I was asking permission in advance/not trying to cheat on him at all and was trying to include him in another side of myself that I didn't get to share with other people. I ultimately felt so bad for asking/hurting him I ended up not doing it even after he gave me permission, but he said that knowing I could want to be with another woman changed everything for him because it meant we wouldn't be monogamous physically (even though he had 100% of my heart). Also, I had hoped that we could find a way to do it together so he'd be there/know the other girl didn't mean more to me than he did. I just wanted to experiment sexually but sacrificed that opportunity for his happiness. He said that even the thought of it happening - even though it didn't - was bad enough/perception altering. I sometimes feel really guilty and wonder if that really was the source of the rift in his feelings for me.
Sorry for how long that was but I'm just been so overwhelmed and confused by this that I feel numb now and need to get it out of my system. Honestly, can the desire to drink overwhelm how you feel about someone to the point that you settle for someone else? I always felt like I was competing with alcohol but now he's left me for someone who's cool with him drinking/has the same weaknesses while saying he's trying to stay sober. Why would you leave your rock for someone you barely know who has the same issues if you're trying to stay sober. He says he's broken and I'm an amazing person and all this **** but it's like he just gave up and decided I didn't matter anymore.
I trusted him completely and he lied and destroyed everything I thought we had together/had stayed by his side for. Ultimately, I know this is for the best - I can tell because my personal life has already improved dramatically and I've finally managed to stop crying everyday - but I worry for him and don't see how he became so detached, cold-hearted and did so much behind me back after everything I did for/put myself through for him. Please advise - I just don't understand. Did these past three years mean anything at all? Can drugs and alcohol really mean more than having some truly love and support you? After this I'm not sure that I can love again - it's like his problems and sickness have entered me and now I'm stuck with them too.
