What Do I Do With My Heart?
RAH and I coming up quickly on 20 Y anniversary. I pulled out pics of our wedding and was deeply shaken to see unmistakable love and adoration on my face in these photos. I had doubted for a long time that I loved my H as much as he loved me. But this is untrue. We are equally lovesick in the photos. I let myself believe that I loved him less so I would not be so vulnerable to the pain of his addiction and him turning away from me over the years.
So in therapy last night I talked a bit about the shambles of my marriage last night. Of course one going alone cannot quite fix a marriage completely. So we work on me and resentments as I am in step 4.
When I leave, I text H to see if he and DS have eaten. No immediate response so I decide to drive to a restaurant H and DS like and I can get takeout if need be. I planned to just sit there and mull over therapy session.
As I pull in there is my H's vehicle. It is late so it sits alone in the parking lot. I recognize his outline in the restaurant. I am happy to see him. I can tell he recognizes my car. He appears pleased to see me. We talk about the day, but I am mulling over this connection we still have.
I internalized that love and I've sacrificed myself to my marrow trying to save him, and us over the years. Now I am working just on me. I talk divorce in therapy but then my heart is happy to run into him. My heart is not following my logical mind. My heart is not letting go despite everything.