I'm not sure if this is exactly what you're talking about but...
... I thought AXH's drinking was the problem. When he got sober, I realized it wasn't
just the drinking, it was who he was as a person. Drinking just made it bigger, if you get what I mean -- all his bad behaviors were magnified when he was drunk.
As for unacceptable behaviors -- my take on that, in the light of having been gone from him for a few years, is this: If you don't leave the first time he does something unacceptable, the behavior you once saw as unacceptable becomes first acceptable, then normal. You get used to it, plain and simple. I needed someone else to witness AXH's horrid behavior towards me and the kids, and tell me to my face that
this is not how you treat a person you love. This is unacceptable. I had lived with it for so long that I no longer saw it as unacceptable, simply as "my life"...
When I read this:
constantly going on about and threatening me with other women, namecalling and physically stopping me from walking out on arguments.
I can definitely tell you that is NOT acceptable behavior, and it's NOT something anybody should have to put up with from anybody, least of all someone who claims to love you. But I also know that I put up with that stuff when I was married. I hope neither you or I EVER put up with anything like that again.