Day 6 of no contact
Well it's day 6 of no contact with my alcoholic ex. It's up and down, yesterday was a good day, I felt strong, like I am beginning to get my self respect back by staying away from someone who, while lovely at times, loving, good fun,etc, can also turn nasty for no reason that I can see and it's so unpredictable I never knew when it was going to happen. For 9 months I kept going back until I realised this is going to keep happening and in fainess he also got fed up with my unwillingness to let disrespectful behaviour go.
No contact is difficult as he lives very near me, I have to drive past his house every time I leave mine so I have taken to walking as much as possible so I can go a different route. I find going past his house can trigger pangs of loss, of wondering and trying to figure out what is he doing, is he drinking, is he sober etc. I would have loved to give the relationship a chance with him sober, and I think he probably is sober but making no attempt to sort things out with me and that hurts even though I know I'm better off without the chaos but sometimes the feelings of loss are so intense I don't know how I will get through them. They do pass for a while, usually after a good cry.
I suppose I find it hard enough to fill the times where I used to run down to him for a cuppa and a chat. We had some nice times. And the weekend was a killer. Life feels too quiet but with him it felt too chaotic and crazy. What's getting me through is reading stuff on this site and other stuff about my part in this, attraction to addicts and alcoholics, possible trauma bonding and relationship withdrawal. also meetings, friends, prayer, meditation and just trying, as they say, to do the next right thing. Children keep me busy too.
A couple of things that puzzled me during this relationship and others- even though I thought I wanted to get to know him sober I found I was more comfortable with him when he was drinking- I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? I'm trying to figure out if it was because I was picking up on his discomfort with himsef and with life in general when he was sober, or if it was because I was afraid he could see me more clearly when he was sober and might not like what he saw? Is my self esteem really that low?! In honesty he seemed a lot more into me while drunk, very affectionate and stuff, much more reserved when sober. It was very confusing, And how do or have others here dealt with unacceptable behaviour? I guess everyone has their own definition of unacceptable behaviour, for me it included constantly going on about and threatening me with other women, namecalling and physically stopping me from walking out on arguments. Any feedback much appreciated! thanks.