Originally Posted by
Florence 
The year was what I held out for. I thought if he could at least make it one year that I could survey the landscape and know I wasn't leaving or hanging on for the wrong reasons.
My STBXAH never made it a year.
But I spent that eight or nine months building myself up in counseling, educating myself about addiction and co-dependency, and learning to sit back and observe instead of rushing in. I was only sometimes successful with the last part. We had relative peace for most of that time, then another epic relapse and I was SO done that I don't think I shed another tear for him since.
By the end of that phase in my recovery, I knew my kids and I deserved better, and I wasn't willing to settle for any less.
I guess that was my timeline, too. I'm not going to stop doing what I need to do for me, that's for sure. I am moving forward with this job position. I have handed my son off to a private school for math tutoring and for possibly teaching him all next year to get him through algebra, which takes a HUGE load off my shoulders despite the cost it will be. I continue to go to my meetings and to talk to my sponsor, etc.
What strikes me as different right now is that AH has repeatedly professed that he's an alcoholic whereas he fought those words for years. He is taking ownership of the damage from the past and is also telling me that he knows there may be too much water under the bridge for our marriage to survive in the future. Basically, I hear more honesty coming from him than ever before in the past and not as much smoke and mirrors and gas lighting crap. Unfortunately, he may be right: there may be just too much water under that bridge because I'm so on guard right now and I know I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. How many freaking shoes have to drop for me to get my head out of my *ss, right?
I feel good about going back to work on 'something', even though it's a temporary job. I feel good about what I've prepared for my son for school curriculum for next year. And, I feel good about where I am in my program and with the support I have so far. I figure that if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other then somewhere along the line, it will all work out.