chicory

My son is an alcoholic, of that I am sure, finally.

Yesterday was his birthday. 42 years old. I hate to admit some things, it is embarrassing to admit how much I enable him. He lives with me, because no one else wants to have him around. He is jobless, no transportation, and I believe a mental disorder to go with it. He has always been the most argumentative person I have ever known. Lets just say only a mother would want to sacrifice her peace for this guy.

He does not drink, unless he gets work. He never asks for a thing. except maybe tobacco money when he is out. smokeless tobacco now. at least that's a good thing for his health, and my safety. lol at least I know he isn't lighting up cigs in his room drunk, when he does drink. best investment for my peace of mind , so far... I say so far, because I want him out, some how, some way. for me, for him.

He went to his friends this weekend. his best friend since childhood. they are like bro's. and I am glad he has a friend. he burned all other bridges, long ago.

I bought him some new shoes, as he has a job interview this week. and a pair of nice shorts, to replace his raggedy ones. about 85 bucks worth. I do the same for all of my kids, on their birthdays.

He came home last evening. He was pretty much stoned, I can tell. He appreciated the gifts, but they were the wrong sizes. So I was going to exchange them today, for the right sizes.

my daughter was talking with me today, about how we can't even plan for my grandbabies to stay overnight, tonight. I do often keep them when he is not working or drinking. he has no way to get stuff other wise.

I tried not to engage him on the subject, but I did go ahead and ask him if he was going to be doing either, as I wanted to make plans for my grandbabies to stay. He got all incensed over it, how can his sisters be hypocrites, they drink, (moderately), etc etc. would not even give me a straight answer... he is the king of evasive, non-committal answers. about everything. whether he likes this kind of food, this hat, this person,etc.

anyway, I know he wont pass the drug test, if he even gets considered for the job. I wont let him use my truck to get there, as I dont know if he would be smoking pot or not. I would take him, however. I dont know why I bother anymore, I have no hopes that his jobs will work out. I do not encourage him anymore either. it only leads to him drinking up his first paycheck. a binge of sorts, albeit he does not get crazy drunk anymore. just drinks quietly till its gone.

I know he has anxiety. He has depression. He has nothing , at his age, even though it is his fault, which he will argue til the cows come home. I dont even argue with him anymore.

I did send him the sticky from SR on what alcohol does to the body and brain. he did not know all that, and he seemed to appreciate my doing that, for some reason. Actually, he said it made him feel better, as he did not drink like that anymore. He is in denial about what alcohol has done to his life.

I know that his issues have a lot to do with it too, though. He has so much anxiety, he makes me a nervous wreck, when he is all anxious about something. I understand why he self medicates. but it will kill him, and its not doing a lot for me, either.

I put him out once, he went to a shelter, and it did open his eyes for a second. but a friend took him in, and then when that friend could take no more, he had no where to live. I took him in, and he promised to get help. He did go to a counselor and a diagnostic therapist (?) and they said situational depression. I know he understated his drinking to them. no doubt at all about that . he always does. I could watch him drink a whole bottle of booze, fall down and he would still say he wasn't that drunk. dont they all say that sort of stuff?

anyway, today I am taking back the birthday stuff, and keeping my money. And I will tell him why. NO job, no need for shoes.. he has good enough ones to sit around in. I need better ones for work, myself.

I don't feel like I have gotten very far in my recovery from codependency. I only fear putting out my son onto the street and he does not have the sense God gave a lemon, as someone I know likes to say.

I only wish he would swallow his pride enough to go and get disability for his mental issues and he would probably qualify for rental help. and medicines for his disability of anxiety and depression. but it is not the sort of buzz he wants..... thats what it boils down to, I think.

Sometimes it is months between times he drinks. he never steals from me nor asks me for money for booze, like he used to. so that is progress. a teensy bit of it. but still , he is getting no where. he blames the economy, and/ or anything else he can.

I hope to get better at this. stronger, and hopefully somehow force him to get help, without causing him to end up in a more dangerous situation. The fear I have has a grip on my brain, and its strong. I dont know how to overcome it.

Thanks for listening. I hope this helps someone else, and not hurts by showing how little strength I have garnered so far.