So, my question is: how do YOU handle your fears when you don't know where the alcoholic is, when you don't know anything really, but you know that they've been drinking? Honestly, I know the answer really: turn it over to God, to my Higher Power, and let it go. But, it's so much easier said than done!
Honestly? I left him. I could not live under the same roof with him and not be absolutely crazy with worry. The isolation, lying, lying by omission, and refusal to communicate is part of the disease, Liz. He's protecting the boundaries of his addiction, whether or not he has a drink at his lips.
I think there is a fine line where detachment as a "practice" ceases to be a permanent solution and becomes its own codependency. It's living at and around the alcoholic, and arranging your mental health around the alcoholic that's so unacceptable for families. Perfection in detachment is the work of saints. Alas, we are but humans. That's just me.
Do something nice for yourself. Do MANY NICE THINGS for yourself. And let yourself off the hook. You're living with someone who is -- best case scenario -- a dry drunk narcissist. If it turns out he's a binge drinking narcissist, what's the difference really?