new to all of this
I have been lurking on here for awhile now, reading and learning a lot. I've never posted to a forum like this, so am a little nervous.
Back in October, my husband had a seizure at home due to alcohol withdrawal. Our 2 daughters (6 & 8) saw it happen- ambulance, fire department, etc. I didn't know it was alcohol at the time. He'd been very "sick" for many months, and we all thought it was depression/anxiety, stomach issues, etc. At the time of the seizure, he was supposedly in recovery. We had struggled with alcohol issues for YEARS - started as him drinking more than I thought was normal, progressed to him hiding alcohol from me, then moved on to me "catching" him with alcohol - hiding it around the house, etc. But prior to the seizure, he was telling everyone that he'd been sober for 8 months. He looked awful though and his health was terrible. Now I know he was lying the whole time, and I still have a really hard time understanding why I didn't "get it" then that he was actively drinking and getting out of control. The times I would suspect he'd been drinking, he would of course deny, get angry, we'd fight, etc. I remember thinking that I must be wrong - he must NOT be drinking - because if he were drinking this time, that would mean he'd been drinking all those other times - and that couldn't be. Now I know it was.
We went through horrible detox at the hospital. I decided he could not come home, and he went to inpatient rehab in another state. After that, we all decided the best thing was for him to stay with his family and continue outpatient. He has not lived with us since then.
He came for a visit to see the girls about 3 weeks ago. He RELAPSED while here, during his chance to see them and spend time with them. Drove with them in the car after buying a drink a convenience store. He was horrible to me on the phone and didn't show up for planned activities with the kids. It was a huge disaster. He continues to refer to the recent relapse as something that "happened to him" while here on a visit. He will not admit to it to me, and says he is talking to "people who care about him" back where he lives, and will not talk about it with me.
Ever since I realized in the ER that this was all due to drinking, I feel like something just clicked in me. I decided right then that I just can't do this anymore. I feel like he and I are over - no question. All the years of lying have just crushed everything. I feel shocked, dismayed, in disbelief...and also sad and angry- but not much else. I feel sad for him that this is how his life is unfolding, but there's a part of me that feels so detached from him. After the lying and living this "double life", I feel there's little there's between us. He, of course, does not get that. He continues to minimize it all, and recently said "I only lied to you about drinking".
This is long. I don't really have a question. Just feeling so raw and busted open, and SO SHOCKED that he just doesn't seem to get it. He still seems to think that he will just get better, and we will all just be so happy and proud of him, and everything will go back to normal.
I am looking into divorce and pretty much see no other alternative.