I'm sorry it's no longer affordable for you.
I do think it's important you have places you can turn to tho - there are some readings, links to other forums that deal specifically with suicide and crisis line numbers here.
Even if you don't feel you need the information now, please take note of the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I remember when I was suicidal everything seemed black and hopeless because I was right in the middle of it.
Sometimes it can really help to have someone else looking at the same thing from a different perspective.
D