a little slippery over here
i am feeling a little slippery. ive been pretty confident so far (just over 3 months-booze). maybe overconfident.
presented with serious stress, i get this woozy "i dont know what to do" feeling. like a paralysis. then i fleetingly think of fatalistic options, drinking is one of them.
i deal with regular stress ok. i could function pretty well in an emergency. the distinction is that it would be an emergency not of MY making. the stress im dealing with is 100% related to damage i did while using. -still cleaning up this ****ing mess.
every time my past confronts me, i get so sick inside. i lost my job. disapointed and shocked everybody. i went to rehab. im enrolled in school. i use the SR page.-so, working on redemption.
im approaching my recovery from a RR/AVRT angle, so i know about stinkin thinkin, and over-generalization and all that.
my questions: -is this area of thought so difficult for me because i havent fully dealt with things (i went almost a month without sleeping more than 3hrs. due to guilt)?
-is this just behavioral habit? as simple as my living for years using the instant pain relief method offered by my substances, and needing practice with the new way?
-and what the heck should i DO WITH MYSELF, in the moment. when my strategies and logic are not as strong as my hammering, circular, self loathing thoughts? obviously do not pick up. i retain control of hands and mouth. do i just sit there in my funk, and spin? i dont feel like i can take a drive safely, im so mentally absent.
HA! now thats familiar.