I love this thread and This Step One.....
It always amazed me what went on behind closed doors! Beating my brother as a very young boy, siblings lying on a regular basis, parents in denial (having come from parents who were drunks). The beatings of my Brother stopped when he was big enough to fight back.
The Secrets were a long list which included the shame, the lying, and 'do not rock the boat'. We were not poor and my Father was a high-level Executive of a major oil company. We lived in a wealthy area, however, by the time I made some money babysitting, I was not supported by my family in regards to clothing, etc. Later, my younger siblings could do no wrong and were never asked to pay for a thing. I felt pain and tried to figure out what was wrong with me.
My parents drank Friday and Saturday nights and us three children were sent to the back bedroom TV room. There were never any visitors. I was the eldest so always 'was supposed to know better' in any wrongdoing and shamed. I knew I was the worst person in the world, yet got A's and B's. I was not to speak of any needs as was old enough to make money. I was bullied at school but could not bring this matter up. I would be shamed and humiliated by 'making a big deal about things'. In other words, be responsible for all that went wrong being the oldest..and be invisible doing it! I thought all of this was the norm at the time.
Every Saturday Morning my Mother would have the talk prior to me cleaning the house. It was about how important and successful my Father was (yet I knew he drank too much, but don't talk about it). As a teen I wanted to talk about me some but that was quickly squashed. The point was not to tell the secrets. He was "at a major college when he broke his leg" and his football scholarship was lost..in later years my Sister and I compared notes. My Mother told her my Father lost his Scholarship before school started. He was found to be drinking at a party, broke his leg, and lost the Scholarship before even beginning. Her Mother died of Cancer, or another time a lung illness and the stories seemed to change. I learned Uremia was the Cause of Death, which is often caused by Alcoholism. I was Power of Attorney when my Mother passed and had access to everything. My Father gave me the gift of introducing me to AA. He was Sober 5 years before he died. Those were the best 5 years of his life except for the Cancer treatments. My Mother was diagnosed at age 85 as Bipolar and Narcicism.
Even as I write all this I am ashamed. Now I have learned to try to protect the little girl long ago who was the Scapegoat for all that was wrong in this family. I am the only one Sober, who graduated from college, and is in Recovery. Yet my siblings and I get along. I never criticize or offer help with Addictions unless asked. My parents are gone now and I try to remember them as perhaps doing their best with what they knew.
My Higher Power gave me insight into the dysfunctions a little at a time, starting with AA, CODA, ACoA, OA, etc.. My relationships in Sobriety have been always with other ACoA's, mostly Sober ones. After much hard work on myself, and having raised my children to be successful members of Society, I am almost 69 and not giving up on a functional relationship.
I pray to my Higher Power to find the best me and, along the way, find someone to share maybe many happy and Spiritual-based years. I believe I deserve it which is HUGE for me. I am so glad that I now believe I can't hear from enough people about their path and growth...my life is so very different from my Primary family, as was the home I made for my children (at least they tell me that). They are adults with their own children and often consult me with concerns about raising their own.
Step One, as I interpret it, is admitting we were not responsible for our parents' dysfunctional behavior as children or adults (from the Red Book). And, I have come to believe that I am not responsible for fixing the family unit, rescuing, saving or healing. (from the Red Book). It is a great relief that I can enjoy them at certain times and love them for who they are. They grew up with dysfunction as I did. They work hard at their jobs and do their best raising their children. I am not in judgment as "when I point my finger, I have 4 pointing right back of me." What a relief to just take of me...it's about time. I look forward to all the posts on this sight as we work the Steps. God Bless, Ipanema