Working the ACoA steps - Step One
Step one - We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
For me, I cannot believe I am in my early 40s and only truly accepting this fact now, that my life truly is unmanageable the way I am living it because of the effects of my childhood. I went into therapy in my 20s because I was so full of anxiety and I wanted to be validated that things that happened in my FOO were "off", although I didn't know exactly what it was that was wrong. At the time, although my family were heavy drinkers, alcoholism had not manifested itself yet in any members of my family. We were not poor, my parents have never divorced (despite constant and vicious arguments) and my sister and I were not physically or sexually abused. When I was in therapy, my therapist taught me about narcissism. She believed both of my parents suffered from this personality disorder and felt that my mother probably was borderline, as well. Of course, this cannot be proved, as my parents would never admit anything is wrong with them. Everyone else are always to blame for any problems. Anyway, this was comforting knowledge and I read and learned everything I could with this information. I put a few boundaries in place and we moved several states away from them, so that helped, but unfortunately, I never looked at how I interact in the world to see what works for me and what was self destructive. I am a huge people pleaser, very controlling, and full of worry and anxiety. For most of my life, I self medicated my resentments and my unfulfilled needs with alcohol. I only quit drinking alcohol 7.5 months ago. I am in my early 40s.
I want to be an authentic version of my self. I want to stop pleasing others, with the underlying manipulative hopes of getting my needs fulfilled if I only "please" everyone enough. I want to nurture myself and relax my worries and fears. In order to recover, I need to admit that I have a problem and it is unmanageable. I do this freely.
What do you all think about step one??