Hi Liz,
I hesitated to post b/c I was cheated on and it was devastating to me. I am much better than I was and am glad that I am no longer with my ex, now.
If you hide or keep secrets from your ah/rah about this guy, then I think that is what qualifies something as an emotional affair. Doesn't matter what you share exactly, but if you purposely keep it from hubs, then the secretiveness (is that a word) makes it shady. It hubs knows you talk to this guy and doesn't bat an eye, then that is different. Then, this guy is just another friend.
With that said, you have caught yourself and recognized that you don't want to do that and your emotional needs are not being met in current marriage. That is all positive. How to proceed? Marriage counseling? Separation? Nothing changes if nothing changes.
With my current beau, I tell him about guys that contact me or anything I think might bug him. So far, he has never seemed to mind me communicating with old (long time extinguished) flames from my youth. I stay friends with everyone I genuinely like and that does include boys, ugh men I guess. The reason I tell bf about any communications or run ins (at store/ on street) is to keep myself accountable and also sensitive to his feelings. I have had a couple married guy friends contact me just to talk and I could tell their wives did not know. I ceased communicating with those guys b/c I did not want to open a can of worms. I actually really like them as friends, but their secretiveness made me uncomfortable.
Dont know if this helps, but hope it adds some dimension.