Wow, do we have the same mom?
My mother, too, is a narcissist and possibly borderline and in the last 10 years or so, has become a full blown alcoholic. My father is a heavy drinking enabler.
It is so sad to watch someone you love (in the only way you can "love" a family member like this _ it is a big garbled bag of emotions, fear, guilt, obligation, longing for true unconditional, nurturing love that we will never have, etc. etc.) self destruct and basically throw it in your face and laugh at your concern.
After a couple of drunken horrible moments that unfortunately my children even witnessed, (I turned these into teachable moments, as I want this family legacy to end, too) my husband and I insisted that there be no alcohol at family events. Well, it became clear from the "get go" that both parents would have chosen alcohol over the family, so we decided that we would no longer drink any alcohol with the family and if things became anywhere near "out of control", we were leaving with our kids in a hurry. We had to do this more than once to make it clear that this was a boundary we were sticking with. My parents have kept their drinking in check and well hidden while visiting with us. Never having more than 1-2 drinks that I see, and never getting drunk. I know that there is a heck of a lot more going on behind the scenes and when we are away, but I have come to accept the can't control it, didn't cause it, can't cure it mantra.
My boundaries are working pretty well so far. I try to have a "tea party" relationship with my parents, very surfacey. I refuse to engage in mean, drunken, battles any longer and I delete any mean, confrontational messages from my phone without listening to them. I read recently that we shouldn't accept behavior from family members that we wouldn't accept from friends, acquaintances or strangers. They do not get a free pass. We are adults now.
I have a lot of underlying resentments that I am trying to work through. I read books about boundaries and narcissism and healing my inner child. I post on SR about this topic from time to time, just to feel "heard." I vent to my husband and my sister and my best friend. I went through about a year of therapy dealing with my FOO issues in my twenties. I am considering revisiting some therapy since my parents are living closer to us than they have in years.
Unfortunately, I think whether we choose to have them in our lives or not, is a very personal decision. I try to choose what works best for my personal mental health and since my fear of guilt overtaking me is there, for now, I choose to keep them in my life with a big old self-imposed wall of nice around me! I wish the best for you. I understand how painful this situation is for you. The good that has come out of it for me, is a much healthier family than I came from, a much better marriage than my parents', and I chose sobriety for fear of turning into my mother and it has been an incredibly self esteem boosting decision in my life.
