Originally Posted by
amy55 
Liz, I read your posts all the time, I don't always respond, perhaps it's because it triggers me. What I mean by that, is that I was always trying to change myself, always wanting to take the blame for things, because I knew, that was the only thing or person that I could fix, I could fix "me". So not only did I take all of the blame that my ex wanted to give me, I also continued to give myself more blame.
After all, I can fix that, can't I??????
I didn't want a divorce, never wanted a divorce, but you know what I found out? I kept fixing me, and fixing me, till I didn't know who "me" was.
So for me, I can only thank the night that I went out, and was able to see for myself that whatever BS I was feeding myself, or he was trying to feed me, was just BS.
Please Liz, stop trying to fix you, so that you will be OK for him.
Take that moment or moments as an awakening to the fact that you really are a person.
Not once did I think you were having an emotional affair. I only thought that this is Liz. Liz who wants to know what life is on the outside.
Well, now you know that other people actually like you and find you are interesting. Not the worst thing in the world, is it?
I just want to be clear that I'm not fixing myself for 'him' or for anybody but myself and my Higher Power. I know that what my AH wants is for me to fix myself BACK to the way I was before and I don't ever want to go there again.
I think many of the other reasons that I've held back on becoming single are about my own vanity issues. It's the 'I'll never be enough for someone else' mentality or the 'no one could love me with my crooked teeth, etc(insert flaws here)'. I have a hard time overcoming my own flaws so I figure that's immediately what people see. THAT is totally part of my recovery: learning to love myself for who I am, flaws and all, whether they be cosmetic or character flaws. It's not about AH, it's about accepting me for me. So, when I had that phone conversation with a man (who has met me in person a few times) who seemed very genuine, I immediately got my ego stroked. As I said before, I get that it was way more about me than about him. He could be a psychopath behind closed doors, LOL, but it was about where my mind was going and how I was feeling about myself, too.
Amy, I don't think I really directed my comment above specifically to you. I was just typing along and went with what came to me at the time, LOL!