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Old 05-03-2014, 06:55 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
lizatola
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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That is a wonderful explanation Jaynie. Recently, I do step back from AH when I feel a conversation like that is coming. As a matter of fact, I called him out on a lie and told him I didn't want to hear any more of it and then walked away. Since then, he has taken off his wedding ring, will not acknowledge me, and walks around treating me like I'm the enemy. He complains that he can't talk to me since I now will walk away so he just doesn't speak to me anymore at all except for one word here and there. He does not smile, either. It's creepy, quite frankly, but I know it's because I see the behavior, I choose not to engage, and he takes that as me being unwilling to have a conversation with him.

The conversation I was having with my friend was very good for me to see where I get defensive or where I try my own tactics to manipulate a conversation. We all do it, it's just to what degree. I'm hoping that someday I can have healthy conversations that involve disagreement or difficult topics with people where I can handle manipulation, gas lighting, and crazy making behavior with grace instead of fear. I figure if I can practice these tactics outside the marriage, then I can prepare myself for the war that my AH brings into our home.

You know what's funny? I went through some very old journals of mine and one was dated 1999. I wrote about how my AH (he wasn't drinking at the time and our son was 1) was always on offense. How I felt like he was playing a football game with me and that I was on defense and he was constantly poking holes in my defensive line. And, that once he found those holes, he would make his move and crush me. I saw it all those years ago and then things would get better and then I'd drop it and eventually I'd be back on the merry go round. Gas lighting is truly crazy making!
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