jaynie04

IMO, both.

Something that I learned in therapy is that a form of healthy communication (especially when things are heated) is for one person to say "if I hear you correctly, you are saying/feeling xyz".
It is an acknowledgement and a validation that the other person's reality is valid.

One of the most validating sentences anyone can say to someone else is "tell me more". Yet in dealing with a gaslighter our empathy can be used against us as a weapon. Gaslighters usually leave enough truth in their arguments to give the appearance of being valid. They often morph a conversation mid-stream so that suddenly you are on the defensive and don't even know what shifted. They are not interested in finding a mutual solution, they are interested in winning.

Gaslighting keeps you off kilter, that is why it works. It works because it is often intertwined by acts of kindness. In the movie Charles Boyer presents gifts often, even though they are later used against her. This tactic is used in interrogation rooms!! Sort of a good cop/bad cop, yet all packaged conveniently in one person!

I think it is amazingly self aware that you are understanding the correlation between what is happening at home and how it is manifesting in your behavior even with others. It is as if we are always presumed guilty, and then when our abuser throws us a loving scrap we gobble it up.

A good way to understand when you are being gaslighted is to look at a how a conversation is making you feel. Irrespective of the actual components of the discussion, if you are feeling anxious, put into a corner and confused you are usually being gaslighted. Gaslighters usually have predictable triggers.

The thing is most of these guys would make horrible prosecutors because their so called accusations are usually based on fallacies. I actually think a lot of our legal system has vestiges of gas lighting. I did this but…., you thought you saw that but can you prove it….., prove I was there…..It is endemic to society. There are some really good books out there on dealing with a gaslighter. It can be empowering to see the dynamic play out, "aha, now he is doing it". There is something called participant observer, sometimes if we are in situations that we know are going to provoke stress because of past experiences, sort of removing yourself and observing the behavior of the abuser helps us feel less threatened. I used to pretend I was Margaret Mead observing a new culture…he would yammer on and on and I would be like 'umm hmm, ok, yes, I see, well isn't that interesting, do you like my new toenail polish?".