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Old 05-02-2014, 11:41 AM
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lizatola
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Speaking of gaslighting

One of the things that I have been having a hard time with is how to recognize MY reality and not tap in to my AH's reality, if that makes sense. He can be so convincing and really make you feel like what you saw wasn't really what you saw. Making me out to be the bad guy because I called his actions evil once and because I called him a liar. He is angry that I called him evil (his perception, of course, because I told him that his actions were felt by me to be evil and that I saw red in his eyes at the time) and he tells people that I think he's an evil person.

Moving past him for a second, I realize that it was the gaslighting stuff that really kept me (and still does keep me) hooked in to some degree. I was having a conversation with someone yesterday and we were talking about intense topics and I immediately went into defense mode. It's like an automatic thing. I am so quick to defend myself and point out my side of something, I cut people off even to do so. I'm assuming this is from years of dealing with our marital dysfunction. So, I texted this person and apologized for cutting them off. Also, I was quite aware of how quick I am to apologize to others for my transgressions, but I find it hard to apologize to my AH. Hmm, that's another topic, obviously, LOL.

The other thing that Ah does that gets to me is when he tells me how I feel. He will tell me exactly how I feel and if I deny it, I am wrong and he will explain in detail as to why. Is this considered gas lighting or just being an a-hole?

So, after typing all of that and being depressed for the past few weeks, I am once again opening my eyes to some things that I have most likely conveniently forgotten, tucked away in my brain because they're too painful to deal with, and maybe even because I believe him about how I'm not capable of forgiving and how I'm the problem because I won't let him back in because of my fears of being hurt all over again. And, then, I dust myself off and shake it off and try very very hard to remember what my reality really is and what it was for years. Am I living in the past too much? Maybe that's the problem. Sigh, too much crud going on in my brain these past few weeks. I cry every day now, not sure I feel it's very cathartic. It just feels like a headache and messed up mascara.
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