Ms. Fish, Cow also has problem with mania, and has self medicate for LONG time. I an atheist, so I speaking to you as someone who not believe in God or afterlife, which I has to tell you in case this put you off me. What I can tells you is: However many time you gonna test you self. (For me, is like thousand time over 20 stupid years.) But however many time you gonna, you will find, all 'drinking' path lead away from what you want, be it spiritual, emotional, relationships, health wise, etc.
Also, good rule of thumbs is: If you lying, that is total BIG sign that not even YOU believe what you doing is good for you.