BOUNDARY #1
I understand you are a different person and that you require space and time to find yourself. When we are at are best, I love your differences, I love you. However,
WHEN YOU ENGAGE IN THE FOLLOWING BEHAVIORS:
• Eye rolling, sarcasm (e.g. statements like, "do I have to," "do I have any choice,") or other similar verbal or nonverbal signs of contempt.
• Making statements like "I hate you," namecalling, etc.
• Exhibiting nonverbal signs of hostility (snarling, clenching teeth combined with eye expression similar to below):
• After we've agreed on a limit on how long we talk, barking towards the other the time left ("five minutes!" "you have two minutes!" etc.)
• Refusing to engage me in conversation at all about topics of my choice, refusing to engage in simple small talk or exchanges of social courtesies such as asking me how my day was, asking how I feel, telling me how your day was, telling me how you feel, or refusing to schedule a time to talk with me as above within a reasonable time frame (say, 72 hours)
I FEEL
• Helpless
• Extremely anxious, panicked
• Angry
***Can I ask that you please stop or change these behaviors?***
INFORM
• If you can’t stop, or change these behaviors, I will make immediate arrangements to leave and get a hotel room for the night. Am willing to negotiate asking you to leave as an alternative.
BOUNDARY #2
I respect your goals, desires, and wishes to get support from the people and places you desire. I believe much of the things you’ve done with Al-Anon, meditation, and therapy have resulted in positive changes for you. I love that you speak out more and do it in a more poised, positive manner.
I also recognize there may be certain behaviors that I engage in when we are interacting on a 1:1 basis that cause you to feel negative feelings. I am absolutely willing and committed to hearing about what these specific behaviors are, what you feel when these behaviors occur, and how you would like to respond when these certain behaviors of mine occur. However,
WHEN YOU ENGAGE IN THE FOLLOWING BEHAVIORS
• Accusing me of being “manipulative and controlling”
• Being agreeable with me, and then later reneging on an agreement by retroactively accusing me of being “manipulative and controlling,” such as when we originally agreed on splitting Saturdays
• Not apologizing for accusing me of being “manipulative and controlling”
I FEEL
• Hurt, attacked
• Shut down
• Helpless, panicked
**Can I please ask that you stop or change these behaviors?**
IF YOU CAN’T STOP OR CHANGE THESE BEHAVIORS,
If at home:
• I will immediately stop my conversation about any other topics, and verbalize that I am giving you an opportunity to apologize. I will identify I am doing this by first raising my hand.
• If an apology is not forthcoming, I will make arrangements to leave and get a hotel room for the night. Am willing to negotiate asking you to leave as an alternative.
If this at our therapist’s office:
• I will immediately leave the therapy session and wait in the waiting room to give you an opportunity to change your behavior as above (e.g., apology).
• If sufficient change is not forthcoming, I will make immediate arrangements to leave and get a hotel room for the night. Am willing to negotiate asking you to leave as an alternative.
BOUNDARY #3
I love you and am pleased you trust our couples therapist enough to feel comfortable expressing all of your thoughts and feelings when you are emotional, feeling hurt, or feeling overwhelmed. However,
WHEN YOU ENGAGE IN THE FOLLOWING BEHAVIORS
• Namecalling in the therapy session, e.g., calling me a “monster,” or the abovementioned “manipulative,” and “controlling.”
• Demeaning me in the relationship at the therapy session, saying “I’m only with him for the kids,” talking about divorce when it’s not something I wish to talk about right now
• Not immediately apologizing for the above when you are given the opportunity
I FEEL
• Helpless
• Panicked
• Hurt
• Angry
**Can I please ask that you immediately stop or change these behaviors?**
IF YOU CAN’T STOP OR CHANGE THESE BEHAVIORS,
• I will leave the therapy room immediately and sit in the waiting room so as to give you an opportunity to change your behavior. I will return when this is forthcoming (our couples therapist or you can come get me).
• If you are unable to cease the above behaviors, I will make immediate arrangements to leave and get a hotel room for the night. Am willing to negotiate asking you to leave as an alternative.