Old 04-26-2014, 07:50 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
DocSobrietist
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 233
Readerbaby - yeah, it's hard to come up with the positive strokes right now. Here's what I tried to do. Appreciated it if I can get more feedback here:

*******

BOUNDARY #1

I understand you are a different person and that you require space and time to find yourself. I love your differences. However,

WHEN YOU ENGAGE IN THE FOLLOWING BEHAVIORS:

• Eye rolling, sarcasm (e.g. statements like, "do I have to," "do I have any choice,") or other similar verbal or nonverbal signs of contempt.

• Making statements like "I hate you," namecalling, etc.

• Exhibiting nonverbal signs of hostility (snarling, clenching teeth, murderous looks).

• After we've set a time limit on how long we talk, barking towards the other the time left ("five minutes!" "you have two minutes!" etc.)

• Refusing to engage me in conversation at all about topics of my choice, engaging in simple small talk or exchanges of social courtesies such as asking me how my day was, refusing to schedule a time to talk with me as above within a reasonable time frame (say, 72 hours)

I FEEL

• Helpless

• Extremely anxious

• Angry

***Can I ask that you please stop or change these behaviors?***

IF YOU CAN'T STOP OR CHANGE THESE BEHAVIORS,

• I will immediately make arrangements to sleep somewhere else. You will take the kids to school the following morning. I am willing to have you be asked to leave as an alternative.

BOUNDARY #2

I respect your goals, desires, and wishes to get support from the people and places you desire. I respect your need to express how you feel, and to feel your needs are getting met. However,

WHEN YOU ENGAGE IN THE FOLLOWING BEHAVIORS

• Accusing me of being “manipulative and controlling”

• Being agreeable with me, and then later reneging on an agreement by retroactively accusing me of being “manipulative and controlling,” such as when we originally agreed on splitting Saturdays

I FEEL

• Hurt, attacked

• Shut down

**Can I please ask that you stop or change these behaviors?**

IF YOU CAN’T STOP OR CHANGE THESE BEHAVIORS,

• The conversation immediately will stop, and I will ask for an apology (“I am sorry I used those words to describe you, that is unfair, can we continue our discussion?”)

• If I do not receive a sincere apology, I leave the house immediately and sleep at a hotel, and you take the kids to school the following morning. Again, willing to have you be asked to leave as an alternative.

• If it takes place at our couples therapists' office, you are required to apologize immediately (see above) before anything else is agreed upon or discussed.

• If an apology is not forthcoming, I will leave the therapy session and wait in the waiting room.

BOUNDARY #3

I love you and respect your need to find the space to express your thoughts and feelings at our therapy session when you are emotional, feeling hurt, or feeling overwhelmed. However,

WHEN YOU ENGAGE IN THE FOLLOWING BEHAVIORS

• Namecalling in the therapy session, e.g., calling me a “monster,” or the abovementioned “manipulative,” and “controlling.”

• Demeaning me in the relationship, saying “I’m only with him for the kids,” talking about divorce when it’s not something I wish to talk about right now

I FEEL

• Helpless

• Panicked

• Hurt

• Angry

**Can I please ask that you immediately stop or change these behaviors?**

IF YOU CAN’T STOP OR CHANGE THESE BEHAVIORS,

• I will leave the therapy room immediately and sit in the waiting room, until Jennifer is satisfied the above behaviors have ceased and can come get me.

• If when I return, you are unable to apologize for namecalling and demeaning me and our relationship, I will make immediate arrangements to leave and go to a hotel room. Again, willing to have you be asked to leave as an alternative.

***************

This is what I have right now. It's a lot, but it basically covers all the big stuff I need to cover, to allow me to feel like I at least have some measure of control over the process and dialogue with her.

-DrS
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