I have been thinking a lot about how to lift myself up. I have realized that I have lost some respect for myself over time.
It doesn't matter what my H does or doesn't do. Whether I have respect for myself lies solely within me.
If I don't separate the way I feel about myself and the actions/words of another person, then I lose the connective thoughts that reveal to me how and why I don't feel about myself as I used to. I have to separate myself and look inward, and look deep, and pay very close attention to the emotions I have about myself that are an undercurrent.
The answers we seek about the way we feel about ourselves are not found by studying the alcoholic.
But they are found from introspection. I'm not saying the manipulation that you Liz might be dealing with is not an issue. It is simply not the way to find yourself by studying it.
I am writing lists. 1) How do I respect myself. 2) Opposite page-how do I not respect myself. Another page for 3) What do I believe deserves respect. This goes back to childhood, because this is ingrained. The thing about childhood molded beliefs is that they often need to be studied, recognized, updated, or let go. They will hang on forever without this study within.
4) What ways then after the above study, do I need to change to respect myself more. Some are small. Some are life goals, and hang over our heads if not accomplished.
Maybe for me, I believe self-respect must be intact for all, or that life loses its value and meaning, until it is restored. All else seems less important comparatively. We can all imagine a famous and rich person who seems to have won all the lotteries in life, but we also know instinctively that if they don't respect themselves that their other accomplishments mean little and are superficial.
I truly believe that by seeking and achieving self-respect the question of whether we respect others becomes moot, because it naturally falls into place that we respect others to the degree they deserve when our own self-respect is intact. There is a barometer of sorts that does the right thing, and that barometer learns with maturity to have compassion for, and show respect, to those who have not achieved their own self-respect and disrespect others. (Yes there may be those with personality disorders that do not have a normal give and take balance with respect.)
So again I say we have to take the focus off the alcoholic and get back to being balanced people ourselves, with our self-respect strong.
The past is the past Liz and that you married him is simply a fact. However how you have kept or not kept your self-respect intact since that day may be what hangs over your head.
It's really NOT about them...it never was.
This is how you separate yourself from the actions of another long enough to take a look at who you are.