I spent a long time really feeling badly about my part in our dysfunctional marriage. I still feel bad - I mean I would not want to repeat that behavior in another relationship - but what I have come to realize is that what would be appropriate for a typical relationship does not apply to an alcoholic relationship. You can not solve dysfunctional by adding functional - you have to remove the dysfunctional. What is dysfunctional in a typical relationship might simply be optimum self-preservation in an alcoholic relationship.
Liz - your husband does not have to accept or understand that for you to accept and understand that.