Originally Posted by
lizatola 
My AH claims one of our big problems is that I don't respect him. I don't show him respect and since I won't communicate with him (other than stuff about basic living and house stuff), he thinks I'm being rude and disrespectful. He sees my detachment as inconsiderate and passive aggressive.
Honestly, I can see his point so I know I need to look at myself and take that opportunity to be a bit more introspective. And, to be honest again, I don't respect him and I don't trust him but I think it all comes down to respect.
What is your experience with respect and the A? What did they have to and what did you have to do to get that back? Of course, some may never find that respect again and that's part of what life looks like with an A, right?
When I first met my husband's family, I wondered why we were treated in a certain manner (just to let you know that I moved thousands of miles away from home). I perceived it as a total lack of respect, they absolutely ignored what my husband would tell them (even if it was 100% truth), and his mom treated us like little kids, absolutely disrespecting everything. It was almost like she would do on purpose what my AH would tell her not to do specifically, like out of spite. When he complained once, she even told him, "It is all about you!" And I thought, "of course it is all about me, lady! I have left my home, and this is what I get?" At that time, I had no idea what was going on, I had no idea what codependency was, or detachment, or Al-Anon. I knew there was a "drinking problem," but it simply never occurred to me we were dealing with detachment, which actually looked hideous from my perspective. The family never wanted to show me around, or take me shopping, or introduce me to new foods, new customs. Nothing. And they thought they were entitled to patronizing.
Anyway, my husband's alcoholism got worse over time, and I started detaching myself. And guess what? I got the same reaction from him. He simply did not understand what was going on. At one point, he even suspected I was seeing someone else. This is when I had to tell him that I was looking into Al-Anon, and that it is not about the lack of love (or respect). I told him that he could do what he wanted, but that I had my rights too. I know that I do not owe explanations to anybody, but hey, he thought I was cheating.
But I still find it fascinating how they think they are entitled to our love/respect no matter what they do and how they treat us.