Originally Posted by
Blossom717 
My A says the same thing when he is drinking; that I don't respect all the things he does, and I do nothing (by the way, he's saying this while I'm doing dishes from cooking dinner, after I've bathed and put the baby in bed, and he's done nothing but sit on his john boat in the driveway....).
Also, if he offers to do something normal, which in his opinion is something nice and special, he expects me to give him unlimited thanks and praise. (like take the trash to the dump, or mow the lawn)
I see your point, that detachment can make you feel as if you are disrespecting them or being passive aggressive, but what if you aren't detached? for me, not being detached means constant arguments and letting him disrespect me.
I can relate! I don't thank him for doing the dishes or helping with the laundry anymore because he has always helped with those things and because he doesn't thank me for much of anything, either, except for cooking dinner. Honestly, sometimes I think we're too polite on the surface and try very hard to stay out of each other's way but under the surface we both have all these unresolved issues.
Right now, he is in therapy and reading all these self help books. He is simultaneously reading books called, "The Anger Trap" and "The Happiness Trap"; I find that ironic to say the least.
He keeps saying that we're not allowed to talk to each other because I end conversations now and that it's disrespectful to disengage like that. And, of course, when he talks about this subject, I end it quickly too, LOL, so we never get anywhere. I have to end the talking or else I'll wind up like you stated above: it will allow him to disrespect me or lie or deny or minimize, quack quack quacking. I figure I'm doing him a favor. What's really sad is that I do respect his ability to do his job and earn a living and I respect his ability to play tennis and I respect his right to drink or do what he wants with his time. I'm not a nag, never have been and he knows it.
To answer a question above about whether I ever respected him. I think I did at one time but I know there was always my own passive aggressive thoughts towards him for years once our son started into toddlerhood. I never dealt with any of it and I allowed myself to mother my AH and enable him and in the end, I wound up not being able to find respect for a man who sat in front of the TV from 3 PM to midnight and expected to get laid after I took care of everything else and was exhausted by 8 PM. Things eroded a long time ago, probably years before our son was born, I just was in my own denial and didn't see it.