I don't know if I'm healthy. That would be nice.
My wife just stormed out, probably to go get a hotel or something. Said she'll see me tomorrow, I can apologize to her then. For getting angry. Which I did. I didn't really yell - I growled at her, then she started packing her things (I tried to make her stop), and she stormed out with her handbag. It wasn't pretty.
The evening started out going mediocre.... we had an OK time putting the kids to bed, although it was chilly between the two of us. Then when the kids went to bed, we agreed to talk for about 10 minutes (ostensibly about scheduling). I couldn't help myself, I tried to talk about a bit more than that, when is she going to stop the stonewalling and the silent treatment stuff, what's happening between the two of us, and her repeating "I don't want to talk about that," etc. I finally asked for five more minutes and she said, "I hate you."
I told her that was inappropriate and then finally saved things for at least a little bit by telling her even though I was unhappy about the whole Saturday thing, if that was the only time she could meet with her sponsor, I would help to make that happen for her. Also reminded her I was trying to be supportive in other ways, said some other nice things, asked her if that sounded OK, she nodded, we watched a TV show.
Just before we were heading upstairs, I asked her, "can we talk more tomorrow"? She sort of grumbled at me, "if I have to," and I said, "what's the alternative?" She said, "you tell me." I said, "I don't know. What's the alternative?" She looked at me and said, "no." And I got mad - because this is exactly what the therapist said we weren't supposed to do - she's supposed to agree on times to talk - doesn't have to be tomorrow, but it has to be sometime, and that way I don't have to feel the pressure to sit her down and talk to her RIGHT NOW or else feel like I'm being frozen out completely and will never have a chance to speak (this is our pattern, you see). Of course, we just went ahead and promptly recapitulated our old pattern - she refused to even entertain talking to me further, at all, at any point in the foreseeable future (not before the next couples session) and I got mad and growled in her face, "YOU'RE BREAKING YOUR AGREEMENT." She got indignant that I growled in her face, "No one can ever talk to me like that!" (Forgetting that I've tolerated, quite unwisely, over the years, multiple sessions of her screaming at me, calling me terrible, awful names, the worst in the book). It's a terrible sight after that - me following her to the car, pleading for her to stay, finally, she leaves. I unfortunately obstructed her in getting her bag packed, but I thought better of things after she left and packed her bag and her medicine bag, and left it outside locked in my car, so she can grab it without having to face me.
So I'm still in extreme rocky-ville. I can pretend that I'm the hugely evolved one here, but I'm not. I'm not using, I'm not drinking, I'm not gambling, I'm not porn-ing, I'm not doing any of the bad things I used to, to numb the pain and regain feelings of control when things were out of control. I'm wallowing in the helplessness currently. It's OK - it won't kill me. Unfortunately this is starting to get to the danger zone where the kids might start getting affected directly.
Help
-DrS