Thank you, Aeryn (I always look forward to your posts because you usually have something to say that is really helpful to me!)
This:
I was taught in my household (severely emotionally/verbally abusive NPD mother) that "we" don't get mad because "we" are better than that...and if I did get mad as a child I was shamed and punished...so it carried to my adulthood. One of my issues/disagreements with Alanon is I feel they try to tell us anger is "bad" and as I was just writing in another thread for me that somehow translated into "standing up for myself was bad".
sounds familiar. In my FOO, it was a cultural/class thing -- screaming and yelling and getting into shouting matches is so... gauche... so
low class.
We don't do that. If you raise your voice, it means you have run out of ability to correctly phrase your argument, and that means you have lost.
I think I need to learn what you have learned -- that the world really doesn't end if I stand up for myself instead of rolling over and saying what people want to hear...