Just thought I'd share my experience - I too hate conflict and confrontation but for a different reason, I always worry how others will perceive me after I stand up for myself or speak my truth. I was taught in my household (severely emotionally/verbally abusive NPD mother) that "we" don't get mad because "we" are better than that...and if I did get mad as a child I was shamed and punished...so it carried to my adulthood. One of my issues/disagreements with Alanon is I feel they try to tell us anger is "bad" and as I was just writing in another thread for me that somehow translated into "standing up for myself was bad".
In therapy that's the main thing I've been working on....it's OK to stand up for myself and say what I feel and think...even if that might make someone mad or makes them look at me "bad" (most of the time that's in my head though I think they are looking at me negatively for speaking a firm truth and having the conflict but I've found usually we/they get over it and move on so it was me taking that childhood stuff with me). My MO was always I would stand up for myself (even maybe firmly with a raised voice) and then flight out of the situation (sometimes never talking to the person again) for fear the person now perceived me as "angry and bad". So I'm working on that...for me the only way I've been able to work on it is to do it and then feel the feelings after...and then go back and face the person...and usually it's ok..and if it's not OK well sometimes things don't work out and that's ok too.
My XRAH and I are still friends and we do fight but not like we did when he was actively drinking..and I think that disagreement and conflict is not only natural but good for the relationship sometimes...we argue and maybe get mad for a little while but since I speak my truths now I usually feel ok about it later after we get a good laugh out of the fight and it doesn't fester anymore because I got the feelings out rather than held them in.
Not sure at all if this applies to you but thought I'd share just in case.
