Old 04-23-2014, 10:27 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Aeryn
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Well...actually I think it's great you stood up for yourself. I feel sometimes Alanon and the rules try to tell us somehow anger is bad (or that's how I perceived it when I went) and that seems to translate into standing up for ourselves is somehow bad (or that's how it translated for me and some others I know). For me that actually made things worse as I liked to "keep the peace" and thus had become a doormat (and I'm talking about me, not implying anything about anyone else) and I would feel bad about myself by holding in those feelings and allowing others to treat me poorly. But for some reason I was so scared of being perceived as angry (because that was "bad") that I was afraid to stand up for myself and just let myself feel bad and be treated bad.

What I explored in therapy was why I would always "feel bad" when I got angry or stood up for myself...and the conclusion was my NPD abusive mother had conditioned that into me...so I came to the conclusion that it was OK to stand up for myself and OK to not just say nothing...and that was empowering. So IMHO there is nothing wrong with what you said or did...and if he gets mad about it? Well so what. That's on him not you. Just my two cents an humble opinion to take or leave. And yes I did detach from my XRAH when he was actively drinking BUT at the same time if he belittled me (especially in front of others) yes I stood up for myself and then left the room, I didn't do it to change him though I did it to empower me. I guess for me I don't think taking the high road is always the best approach psychologically for my well being....I'm not saying I'm going to go crazy mad or anything but if someone says something to me that is blatantly passive aggressive, mean or just plain incorrect yes I'm going to stand my ground and speak my truth (then I let it go...so I speak my truth but I don't dwell on it for me by speaking it it keeps it from festering inside creating anxiety).
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