DocSobrietist

Hi-

Been at this successfully for 11 months now. I enjoy going to my support meetings (I'm very involved with Lifering), I like not drinking or using, and I feel like it's a good time for it in my life. I feel like I've "met my quota" for drinking and using in my life.

Unfortunately, it seems like my relationship with my wife has gotten worse since I've gotten sober. She attends Al-Anon, and has a sponsor (sorry, I have to mention the 'other meeting' here, just to tell the story). I don't, as the rituals and religious stuff don't work for me, and I find I absolutely need to find my own personal power as part of my "recovery," and avoid labeling myself - I consider myself an ex-addict (if I started drinking or using again, however, that would change almost overnight, that's the way I think of it).

As I've gotten off drugs and alcohol, I've become, I hate to say it - annoying to her, or worse. I've found my voice. I speak up for myself. I get this feeling that when I was using, it functioned as a way to keep a smile on my face even when I felt like screaming inside. I was able to say "yes dear," and then go drink and feel like events weren't completely out of my control.

Unfortunately this has been a huge problem for my wife. She finds my self-assertion extremely threatening. She views it as me being "controlling" and "manipulative." The times I feel angry about things and verbalize it (which is extremely rare, but much less so now), she feels threatened, and has even said she feels scared - despite the fact I don't throw things, threaten, call names, yell (she actually does do the last three things at times - particularly in the calling names thing, and it's HORRIBLE).

In short, I feel like although my wife would never admit this, she would prefer me as I was when I was using. She would hotly deny such a thing, but I get a feeling this is where things are.

There's a lot of other stuff going on between us. There's ongoing tension about her 12-Step adherence, and my comprehension rejection of the 12-steps (again, far, far more comfortable with secular approaches - also I don't believe in the disease metaphor for addiction). Sex, which previous to my rebirth as a practicing sobrietist was an issue that caused tension between the two of us (I wanted more, she wanted less), is now pretty much dead in the water for now.

We're in couples therapy and have been for several months now. The sessions have become painful - two out of the last three sessions I've sat there and watched the therapist barely able to restrain my wife while she calls me names and openly threatens divorce. A current issue between the two of us is that I'm supposed to be unqualified-ly "supportive" of her Al-Anon work. I *have* been supportive and I *want* to be supportive - problem has been that I work on Sundays, and with Saturday being our only day where she doesn't work as well, I have been stressing to her I'd like at least a couple days where our Saturdays are completely free of recovery activities (I do my recovery work during the week), but she has insisted on many Saturdays that she should be able to attend recovery groups, work with her sponsor, sometimes be gone for hours, and that I should happily watch the kids while she does so. I'm happy to do this on occasional Saturdays, but it seems like she asks to do this fairly regularly. Currently she wants to be able to leave me with the kids every Saturday so she can meet with her sponsor. Who, by the way, doesn't take phone calls, doesn't have any other time to meet with her during the week, and can only meet with her on Saturdays. The one day of the week that I've made it plain I'd like to (say, twice a month - or even just ONCE a month) have free so that I can spend time with my family.... OR JUST GET A HAIRCUT, WASH MY CAR, MAYBE ATTEND A SATURDAY GROUP OF MY OWN????? But because I have this preference, because I state it - I'm "not supportive."

Currenly I'm in a deep freeze. My wife isn't speaking to me, and it's because I largely haven't backed down off of my wish (e.g., to have at least one or two Saturdays a month that *I* can have to use how I wish). I have said if she feels she needs to take these Saturdays to see her sponsor, she can do so, but I'm not happy when it's an ongoing expectation that I give up that time for her. I'm frustrated that her sponsor isn't at all flexible. Worse, I feel like I have to be "supportive" by going back to the old behaviors that I'm trying to avoid - I'm supposed to smile, suck it up, pretend I don't have feelings or preferences, say I'm happy to do whatever she wants, and just shut up.

Anyways, I used to post here under the moniker "DrSober" (lost my email).... but I'm back now. Happy to see you all again, particularly my fellow secular sobrietists and roll-your-own (so to speak) atheist / secular 12-steppers.

-DrS