Miserable without drink
Hello everyone I am a fairly heavy drinker. Recently I have found myself drinking a lot heavier due to a number of reasons, mainly a stressful ongoing dispute, boredom and a lot of emotional problems that have been piling up. In response I am drinking a lot more than usual and have found that I am only ever happy after two or 3 beers. It is not always nice to even drink sometimes ie. the first beer doesn't taste nice but I do it to feel happy. I don't crave and can drink one drink at a bar and go home, quite regularly, not getting hammered or anything.
The problem is I am really miserable without drink. Exercise helps a little to lift my mood, or a good meal or maybe music, but nothing beats drinking. I find myself really depressed about a lot of things in my life like despite working hard I am always broke and just not fulfilling any of my dreams or getting anywhere. I haven't been able to afford a decent education and my prospects are okay but I am still stuck on minimum wage doing an uninspiring job and I really feel like I've let myself down completely at this stage.
This has been the way for several years, however last month, the entire March I did a dry month which was completely self-disciplined. On the last day I tried to get drunk and was just bored. Now I am finding myself drinking very often again and I don't have any intension of stopping. I know this is probably a depression issue but I've gone through all the counseling and meds in the world and waited weeks to find that I would have preferred to spend that sober time waiting for the meds to kick in drunk.
Ultimately I want to be drinking like I used to do. I want to be drinking more than ever, taking drugs, whatever it takes, just to be happy. You can count on drink. Happiness exists with the bond of other people, and people are always going to let you down. You're not going to get stood up, broken up with or disowned by it.
It might be unhealthy and sometimes expensive but at least I was happy. Isn't it fair, can it not be fair to try to force yourself to be happy