More so a frustration that I wish I could be in an insurance-approved treatment program. I was typing so angrily that I wasn't clear. I wish I had group and one and one and psycho pharm and meditation and all the things that he is getting. That I have to continue to take care of the house, the finances (tried not to buy received a foreclosure notice-yea I don't think so), the dogs, making sure there is food in the house. I have to go to work when he's picked a fight in the morning. I have to continue to hide my tired, sad puffy eyes underneath makeup. I can't tell if I am more exhausted now than I was before or vice versa. I had in my mind it wouldn't be so exhausting. More sour about the lack of familial support I am finding locally than anything. It has nothing to do with where or what I think he should be offering me. I'm just finding aside from you lovely folks online and the daily al anon meetings nearby, I'm struggling to build a support network for me. People who do not have/had addicts in their lives only understand to some degree.
With him-it's so much of his own projections coming to light within the context of our cohabitation. I've pledged for this weekend to avoid him at all costs. I need the space to heal from this past week. Just that alone is a huge step for me. Not the realizing but the doing. He still benefits from the partner who cares and wants to help. I just can't be all things and that is perfectly ok!
Would love the marriage counselor. Was told no. Reading CodeJob's one year of recovery post yesterday really captured my frustrations. He still holds the cards to our relationship. The detachment for me works up until a point. It's like living with a friend who controls whether you can connect (talk, take a silent walk with, go to the movies with, hang out with, etc) with them at all.