Self-Esteem
By Peter Shepherd
Self-esteem is a way of being, thinking, feeling and acting that implies that you accept, trust and believe in yourself. When you accept yourself, you can live comfortably with both your personal strengths and weaknesses, without undue self-criticism. When you respect yourself, you acknowledge your own dignity and value as a unique human being. You treat yourself well, in much the same way that you would treat someone else who you respect. Self-trust means that your desires, beliefs, behaviors and feelings are consistent enough to give you an inner sense of continuity and coherence, despite changes and challenges in your circumstances. To believe in yourself means that you feel you deserve to succeed and - on the basis of past demonstrated competence and current resources - you have confidence that you can fulfill your deepest personal needs, aspirations and goals.
A fundamental truth about self-esteem is that it needs to come from within. When self-esteem is low, the deficiency creates a feeling of emptiness which you may try to fill by latching on - often compulsively - to something or someone that provides a temporary sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. When this becomes desperate, repetitive or automatic, you have an addiction. Frequently this attachment substitutes for healthy human relationships. It may also substitute a feeling of control or power for a more lasting sense of inner confidence and strength.
What difference does self-esteem make?
When we are high in self-esteem we feel good about ourselves. We feel in control of our life and are flexible and resourceful. We are able to make choices about how we run our life. We enjoy the challenges that life makes and are ready to take life head on. We feel powerful, creative and confident that we can 'make things happen' in our life.
We can realize our own potential by integrating all our abilities in a balanced and harmonious way. To each experience we bring our whole self and we integrate all our faculties. This 'holistic' approach describes us as existing simultaneously at the spiritual, mental, emotional and physical levels, and we bring all of these aspects to each of our experiences. For example, in meeting a new person, you bring the spiritual experience of your inner awareness, your connection with the life force that is you and your creative resources. Your mental energy brings understanding, empathy, perception and communication. Your emotional energy is expressed as feelings about what is going on and your physical energy enables you to actively participate.
As we all know, experiences can be subjectively good or bad. A good experience occurs when one has been creative - spiritual, mental, emotional and physical energies have been expressed in a balanced way - and this enhances self-esteem. You feel at ease and are able to 'make things happen'. You express choice and create the experience and so feel in control of your destiny. You feel good!
A bad experience, in which one has suffered in some way, tends to reduce self-esteem. If you feel you have no choice, if you feel 'trampled on' or a victim, you feel uncomfortable and out of control in your life. Things 'just happen' to you (or don't). So you feel bad.
When we respond to particular circumstances we can do so from a state of creative consciousness or from a state of victim consciousness. If you operate from a state of creative consciousness you are valuing yourself for what you are, right now, and not just for what you do or have done. Your sense of worth does not depend on having a high-profile job or having expensive possessions or being clever. Self worth has nothing to do with job status or IQ or never getting things wrong. In other words you are not worth less if you can't do something or things go badly wrong. This idea of intrinsic self worth is the strength on which true self-esteem is based. Demonstrated competence and praise enhances self-esteem but this needs to be based on an underlying foundation, where incompetence and criticism does not detract from intrinsic self worth.
This view of the world is one which allows for the creative experience of choice. We are free to initiate change and so can enjoy an action-based lifestyle in which we are able to communicate our needs clearly. Such behavior then reinforces our self-esteem.
Without a sense of intrinsic self worth you have a limited world view which provides you with little or no choice. This creates a reactive lifestyle in which you are always looking for the approval of others before you can act. Such a fear-based lifestyle results in unclear communication and consequent feelings of resentment, anger and blame. Hence the victim's lack of self-esteem is reinforced.
Improving Your Self-Esteem
Maybe you know how to 'look inside', feel relaxed and resourceful, but don't know how to bring this experience into material reality. In other words you can connect with your inner self but can't so easily act upon this connection - you can imagine and be inspired but can't put this into effect.
Perhaps you can act in a fairly spontaneous way but do not feel there is any more to your life than that which appears before your eyes. In this case you are finding it difficult to connect to your real goals and aspirations.
You may be very emotionally aware and sensitive to other people's feelings. If so, you are in touch with your feelings but does this gift work for you? Can you put your emotions into perspective so that you are able to think clearly and act appropriately?
Perhaps you are very good at understanding ideas and thinking rationally but your thoughts stay in your head and you aren't able to act upon on them. Or perhaps you find it difficult to express your feelings clearly about those issues.
Proper balance of self-connection, thought, feeling and action is the key to living creatively and with full consciousness.
Creating Self-Esteem
By Peter Shepherd
How would you describe yourself? The following is a list of adjectives - virtues, vices, strengths and weaknesses - that may or may not apply to you. Very many other qualities could be added to the list.
How would you describe yourself? The following is a list of adjectives - virtues, vices, strengths and weaknesses - that may or may not apply to you. Very many other qualities could be added to the list.
artistic
lighthearted
responsible
sarcastic
proud
useless
incapable
depressed
beautiful
kind
responsive
extravert
shy
aggressive
timid
overbearing
manipulative
loving
boring
sensitive
emotional
sloppy
stupid
enthusiastic
modest
embarrassed
introverted
interesting
withdrawn
thoughtful
worried
afraid
creative
self-righteous
ashamed
confident
ugly
lazy
supportive
unique
tolerant
flexible
clever
angry
passive
demanding
happy
considerate
active
lovable
intelligent
inarticulate
intolerant
tactful
perceptive
uncertain
mistrusting
worthless
unattractive
talented
There are plenty more attributes. You could look at yourself in terms of how others see you, appearance, personal manner, performance at work, home life, relationships, social position, mental functioning, self-awareness and sexuality.
We are all of these some of the time of course. However, now make a list of all the qualities - from the above list or other things that come to mind - that you think you are almost never: "I am almost never..."
Now all those things which you believe you are almost always: "I am almost always..."
Which of these statements do you consider the most important, i.e. your underlying personal self-beliefs? How do you see yourself? Are your core beliefs appreciative or critical; are you high or low in self-esteem?
Look at all the critical statements you listed and imagine you were saying these things about someone else. Would you be so hard and judgmental with someone else? How would you feel if someone else described you this way?
If you recognize and are happy to be the person you have described, then fine. But ask yourself if this means keeping some area of yourself quiet, out of sight and so out of mind. If you suspect this to be true, try to look into what area that might be.
Disarming the inner critic
Take each negative statement one at a time and check it for rationality against the following list:
* Has a general rule been made from one isolated example?
* Does it pay excessive attention to only small parts of your experience?
* Is it an exaggerated description instead of an accurate one?
* Is your critic thinking in terms of black and white? E.g. does it insist that everything you do has to be brilliant or else it regards it as rubbish?
* Does your critic expect you to take responsibility for events that are actually outside your control?
* Does your critic assume the whole world revolves around you and your interests?
* Have you been mind-reading?
* Do you know for sure that other people don't like you, are unforgiving of you, or don't care about you?
* Does your critic assume that you have no responsibility or are a helpless victim?
* Is your inner critic being inappropriately emotional?
For each negative statement, see if you can contradict it with a more rational statement. E.g. "I may sometimes misunderstand, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid."
For each weakness or negative trait find an exception or a corresponding strength.
Think about people who are your friends or who you like in spite of their unfortunate habits or undesirable traits. Try adopting the same attitude to your own traits - make friends with yourself.
Changing Your Mind About Yourself
By Peter Shepherd
Should you or could you? The rationale that supports 'I should' (and 'I should not') allows us to hand over the responsibility for our lives to others. It is a childlike stance and gives the decision-making power to someone else. Believing the 'should' inhibits change, risk-taking and assertiveness. It is both comforting and severely limiting.
Whenever we question our basic beliefs we are also questioning our status quo - our safe solutions - and this can feel threatening. Personal growth is a courageous process - to provide that courage we need to recognize the benefits of opening up our options. We will reclaim our own life and be our true self - that's really the only way to be genuinely and stably happy.
The first step is to identify the inner voices that tell you that you should do this and ought to be doing that. An inner voice that nags you in this way is likely to be an internalized parent or someone who is important to you, that you give authority, in the past or currently.
Some 'shoulds' and 'oughts' make sense of course, such as legitimate rules to live by, and if violated then harm results, to yourself or others. However many 'shoulds' and 'oughts' act to undermine the strength and directness of what you think and do.
Practical
Make a list of all the things you think that you should or ought to do, should or ought not to have, should or ought not to be.
Take each listed item read it out loud and then ask yourself, "Why should I?"
Here are some typical answers to the "Why should I?" question: "Because everybody has to," "My father said I should," "What will happen to me if I don't?" "Otherwise people won't like me anymore," "Because I'm too fat/ stupid/lazy/careless etc."
The answers to "Why should I?" questions demonstrate how we can limit ourselves by holding certain beliefs. Try ending an "I should..." statement with, "because I really want to." The sentence doesn't make sense because the word 'should' implies reluctance and feelings of guilt and fear. Do we really need to burden ourselves in this way? The word 'should', however, can be replaced by the word 'could' and this restores freedom of choice. So go through your list of shoulds and rephrase each item: "If I really wanted to, I could..."
Another approach is to ask the question, "Why should I?" repeatedly until you genuinely and sincerely answer it with "Because I really want to." Or you decide to give it up because you really don't want to!
Looked at this way, somehow things seem much more possible and at the same time you no longer feel you "have to." So give yourself permission to run your own life. You don't need taped instructions from the past - right now you can make your own decisions and create your own experiences.