The Positive Approach -By Peter Shepherd
The Positive Approach - Lesson 1
Invalidation
By Peter Shepherd
The first lessons are about finding yourself and becoming whole. One of the factors that causes fragmentation of your identity - who you think and feel you are - is invalidation, which happens when you feel made wrong by another's comments or actions.
When you act according to the will of another person and suppress your own wishes, you have identified a part of yourself with the other person. You have let them into your mind, as your master. You have become fragmented. One of the main ways this comes about is through invalidation, or 'making wrong'. If somebody says your effort was 'not good enough' or that you 'shouldn't have done that', then you start to question yourself. You begin to introspect and ask, 'Is there something wrong with me?' When another person wrongly evaluates or misunderstands your communications or your state of mind, naturally this is upsetting. It means the other has not understood you. Your enthusiasm wanes. You may accept this false evaluation - perhaps because of the authority or dominance of the other person. If you ignore your own feelings and believe they must be right, you begin to follow their will, not your own. A part of you has identified with the other person and split from the real you. The you that is responsible for your choices.
This very commonly occurs with children, where they take on the characteristics of their parents. It is also very frequent in relationships where one partner adjusts to match the other's expectations. And of course it happens at work too. When our goals are suppressed by another - however well meant - it is eventually life destroying. Negative evaluations (personal criticisms, opinions) by another especially at times of stress can cause extreme upset.
Most of us wonder why the populations in the world who seem to have the greatest mobility and most material possessions are suffering from the yoke of despair and depression. One of the biggest causes is invalidation. As human beings we need to be both independent and interdependent. We need to feel a sense of love and of contribution. If either are missing we are sad, we are defeated, we are joyless.
Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, control or diminish someone's feelings. Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life. A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotions. The working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. The emotional processes which worked as a defense for him when a child will probably work against him as an adult.
Invalidation kills confidence, creativity, individuality... and if we do not find a way to re-empower our individual and collective lives and to connect with our humanity it will slowly erode all that we have built into a tower of sand.
The solution that we seek in our lives, in our work and in our world does not lie outside us but within us. We each have the power to move past invalidation by igniting the power of our heart to touch our mind and infuse our life and the lives of others with validation and joy.
Practical: How to handle invalidations
There are many and various ways you might have been put-down by others and as a result agreed to have less power. You need to look again at what happened and ask yourself:
1. What choices did I make? Consider:
* What did I decide about myself ?
* What did I decide about the other person or other people?
* What did I choose to think?
* How did I choose to feel? What emotion did I choose?
* What did I choose to do?
* How did my choices affect my behavior going forward?
2. What other choices could I have made? And what might the effect of each of those choices be?
3. What positive learning can I get from this experience?
The positive learning is basically whatever insight you have found after realizing you have chosen one direction and can revise that choice if you want.
You always have choices. If a mugger threatened you with a gun, you have the choice not to give him your wallet. He might have killed you or given up and run away. But you had the choice. You may have chosen to give him your wallet, which may have been wise. But you never have to do anything against your will. You can always choose.
Following is a list of ways you might have been invalidated in the past, or it may be happening to you now. For each question that applies to you, go through the procedure above and see what you can learn from this experience, and what part of yourself you can reintegrate.
* Did anybody say you don't have a right to your opinion?
* Did anybody criticize you unjustly?
* Did anybody make an unfair generalization about you?
* Did anybody tease you?
* Did anybody make you feel insignificant?
* Did anybody tell you that you shouldn't be there?
* Did anybody tell you that you don't belong?
* Did anybody tell you that you couldn't leave?
* Did anybody force you to follow their rules?
* Did anybody trick you into an agreement?
* Did anybody judge you?
* Did anybody make you do something you didn't like?
* Did anybody decide things for you?
* Did anybody take away your ability to choose?
* Did anybody bypass you or take away your job?
To take an example. Perhaps my wife says I'm a useless lover. I feel invalidated, put down, and upset, naturally. And perhaps I accept what she says, that I am indeed a useless lover and now I really don't want to make love any more. I have chosen to accept what she said as the truth. Looking at it again now though, I can see that it was simply words she spoke and perhaps she had other reasons for stating that - there was certainly a breakdown in communication between us at the time. I realize now that invalidations can occur when what is said is not really meant (after all, many times before that she said I'm a great lover) but is a symptom of a more significant upset. I can repair such an upset by honest and open communication. That's positive learning for me.
The Positive Approach - Lesson 2
Co-Dependence
By Peter Shepherd
Sometimes we put aside our true self and instead exist from the position of being effect. We may be involved in relationships and work situations we know are harming us, but we feel helpless to change them. We may have addictive relations to people and situations. We must have what is harming us, or we must do what (we really know inside) is harming us. We are co-dependent.
One may be addicted to a relationship if one feels ashamed and therefore needing to propitiate - or if one fears abandonment, being rejected or being alone and therefore forced to be independent. But these feelings are suppressed, hidden from ourselves. Co-dependence is really emotional dishonesty, because we are suppressing our true feelings and substituting those of another. We lose our integrity and are stuck on our spiritual path. It needs dealing with!
Do any of the following apply to you?
* Do you depend on somebody else's approval?
* Do somebody else's problems feel like your problems?
* Do you put aside your interests for another person's?
* Do you feel responsible for another's feelings?
* Do you feel you can't say no, or very guilty and anxious if you do?
* Do you worry how another may respond to your feelings and behavior?
* Do you fear being hurt or rejected by another?
* Do you put another's needs and wants before your own?
* Do you judge things by another person's standards?
* Are you steadfastly loyal even when shamed, neglected or abused?
If so, spot the co-dependence and take responsibility in that area - reclaim your own choices. (You can change the following questions to the present tense if appropriate.)
1. What choices did I make? Consider:
* What did I decide about myself ?
* What did I decide about the other person or other people?
* What did I choose to think?
* How did I choose to feel? What emotion did I choose?
* What did I choose to do?
* How did my choices affect my behavior going forward?
2. What other choices could I have made? And what might the effect of each of those choices be?
3. What positive learning can I get from this experience?
You need to look at the situation in terms of choices you have made and that you can revise, now that you are more conscious of what's going on.
By becoming conscious of our attitudes and perspectives, we can start discerning what works for us and what does not work. We can then start making choices about whether our view of life is serving us - or if it is setting us up to be victims because we are expecting life to be something which it is not.
An example. I allow my son to watch any program he wants on TV and miss my own favorites, because I'm afraid to upset him and I want him to love me. I've chosen to believe that he will only love me if I allow him to do whatever he wants. I realize now however that I'm his father, he loves me anyway, and my behavior is not actually going to increase his respect for me, in fact the opposite, and it isn't a good example to set him either [my positive learning]. I have my own right to watch my favorite programs and the TV is a resource we share, not to be dominated by one person. So now I choose to explain that to my son (assertively but calmly and with empathy, certainly not with anger or resentment) and in future we will have a better arrangement.
Empathic communication is always the answer, but remember that empathy does not necessarily require liking or agreement, it's to recognize and respect the other as an independent living being, with their own rights and responsible for their own beliefs, feelings and actions. And yourself likewise. That's what love actually is: unconditional acceptance. That quality is who you really are, your essential nature.
Co-dependence applies to perhaps a majority of people, so don't think there's anything wrong with you, so much as you've now started on a path of personal growth, so you can begin to switch these things around. Choose one of the aspects of co-dependence and start to put it right. Not all at the same time as that would be overwhelming, but choose one in which you feel you can take some positive steps toward changing your situation and your customary responses. If you can make some empowering changes, this will encourage you to tackle further areas of your life and relationships, and the snowball will be rolling. However, if it all seems too much, then get some help from a counselor, who will give you support.
....more to come