findingmyself14

I'm looking for some advice from people who have successfully managed to come out of the other side of this as unscathed as possible. When can I reasonably expect the hot/cold to subside? For our communication to pick back up? For our ability to connect at a husband and wife level to return?

My qualifier went to rehab willingly, has been actively engaged in his own treatment, goes to meetings, when he struggles calls a friend from AA, participates in web forums and chat rooms for recovering alcoholics etc. Most of the bad stuff has left - at least for now- I recognize it can come back.

I'm in therapy. Going to al-anon. Working my own program and my own self care. We are both individually taking care of business. Things at home are calm and most of the time pleasant.

What I can't seem to make sense of - and it's probably my own source of denial - is why the f$&@ing Jekyll and Hyde routine didn't go away. I know it won't. I know that. I am not that far in denial. Of course any of us want to believe when they return home that the recovery process will happen smoothly with no bumps. That the past is in the past. But I really did want to believe that the parallel universe would no longer exist. Why can't it go away? I want to feel safe and secure in the notion that I only need to be aware for one crazy train. I'm EXHAUSTED from all of it. This is my recovery time too.

Undeniably, I truly believe that being able to shut your mouth and absorb so much of this process while watching someone take the future of your marriage in their hands and figure it out...it's terrifying. It takes so much strength to be the partner. I don't know doubt for a second how hard it must be for the alcoholic. But goddamn it is NOT easy to be a supportive, loving force and deal with them day in and day out. He was told that he struggles with intimacy by a group of professionals. DUH! You just want to scream-OF COURSE YOU DO!!! That's why you medicate you idiot!!! But their professional assessment that intimacy makes him feel uncomfortable has turned it into the latest excuse. It's just too hard to deal with his sobriety and give me any quality time. Yet when I speak with his professional staff, they say we should be practicing small, short dates to reconnect, have fun, move forward. Don't bring up the massive elephant in the room. I don't. I'm so sick of talking about him. I want to live without it for awhile. Yet HE brings it up. Then shuts down.

What advice do you have for me? I try to practice affirmations, gratitude, and detachment. I really do. But when you feel so tired and you want reliability, how do you not flee from the house and give yourself a mini vacation somewhere!?!?