I understand the feeling. My ex husband was very verbally/emotionally abusive towards me and stepped into physical abuse twice. Yet - there were times that he wasn't that way which probably explains the "missing part".
There was a good post recently about "splitting" and I know that that is what I have done with him in my mind. He is one and the same - the good and the bad. Not one or the other.
I left my ex almost 3 years ago and I STILL have to periodically make a list of all of the bad things so that I won't glamorize him. I tend to do that when I am tired, lonely, hurt, worried, financially worried.
The best advice that I have received is to work on me. And I'm glad that I've done just that. I've remained single and focused on getting to know, like, and understand me. When I was with him, I spent all of my time doing that about him and his life.
Don't forget that when you have been in an unhappy (abusive) relationship that is a very high likelihood that you have experienced trauma bonding. That bond is a tight one and really can mess with your mind.
Sending you healing thoughts.