I'm proud, really proud of you. You are AMAZING.
"But above all, I feel peaceful. A little down, a little sad, but peaceful. I don't have to worry about what mood AH is in. I don't have to worry that I'll say something to upset him or stress him out. I don't have to worry that he's going to nip out for a quick one and end up on a 3-day bender. Or that he'll come home and act aggressively toward me and maybe wake the kids and scare them with his weird drunk behavior. The boys are peaceful and safe in their beds and I'm here for them no matter what. It feels good to be in control of my environment and to be able to ensure a peaceful environment for my kids."
I am right there with you. I fill my huge amounts of extra time I have now doing anything and everything I can (if I stop doing, I start thinking)...that I couldn't do before. Its amazing how much time, I mean it was damn near the whole day...every day...that got sucked up by his madness, his drinking, right? And I would have to spend it calming him down, talking him down off that cliff, cleaning up his drunken mess, etc. Paying constant attention to him, because goodness, if for fourteen seconds I focused on someone else he would freak out or fall apart...or get in that black mood. Now that he is gone...wow, its just quiet. Simple. Its not a life of excitement, but oh my god, its sooooo sooo beautiful. I am so thankful for it. So thankful that I am. STILL. ALIVE. still alive to enjoy it. My youngest daughter caught me laughing at a text from someone, and told me how nice it was to see me smiling and laughing, that it had been so long. I watched a movie with my kids tonight, our new nightly habit that would have never happened if he was still here. We all laughed at the same oddball things, I laughed so hard. I haven't laughed so hard in years. Mostly at the way they picked up on all the same things I thought were funny, and its because they are my kids, its how our family is. I told them they are incredible, and amazing, and how much I love them. Right at that moment, I felt like the luckiest woman alive. I think you probably know what I mean. Its just what you said
" It feels good to be in control of my environment and to be able to ensure a peaceful environment for my kids."
That right there...dumping the chaos, giving the kids the gift of stability, a peaceful home...that feels AMAZING. Like I said, damn, I am just so proud of you.