Alone in my new place
It's 9 o'clock and the boys are in bed. I'm a little bored. Just watched a silly housewives show and had a nice cup of English tea (one good thing I got from marrying an Englishman haha!)
But above all, I feel peaceful. A little down, a little sad, but peaceful. I don't have to worry about what mood AH is in. I don't have to worry that I'll say something to upset him or stress him out. I don't have to worry that he's going to nip out for a quick one and end up on a 3-day bender. Or that he'll come home and act aggressively toward me and maybe wake the kids and scare them with his weird drunk behavior. The boys are peaceful and safe in their beds and I'm here for them no matter what. It feels good to be in control of my environment and to be able to ensure a peaceful environment for my kids.
I also thought tonight about when I was young and immature and dating...I made a poor decision when I got married. My sheltered upbringing and lack of sexual experience led me to marrying someone I didn't know well enough, but I did it anyway because I loved him and thought it was the right thing to do at the time and I didn't want to disappoint my parents.
But going through the hell of the last 7 years has changed me and my priorities. Now I actually know what I want and need. Maybe someday I will experience true love, and hopefully I'll be healthy enough and ready. Right now the boys are my focus, but someday maybe there will be love out there for me.