That the LAST person on earth I expected to be the one that helped me discover who I am would be......My ex-alcoholic boyfriend?
When I first joined SR last summer it was during a time when EVERYTHING bad seemed to happen at once. My DS (21) was in rehab, my AF (77)went into a nursing home, my codie mom (81) was hospitalized, and my XABF broke up with me. Not in that order but it all happened within 2 months time. Putting aside the addiction we seemed like a great couple, to the outside world. We kinda "meshed" from day one and in retrospect I see how and why. Him being an alcoholic and me being an ACoA. We are the exact same age, same ultra religious background, grew up in the same small town and actually had a high school fling for like a week. As far as we were both concerned, we were PERFECT for each other and what took so long (25 years) for us to reconnect?! I discovered early enough that he was an alkie with major emotional issues and he discoverd early enough that I was a hot mess as well but we kept on holding on, for dear life for that matter! Ingnorance is bliss, isnt it? We finally broke up with NC for about 5 months and during that time I came to SR and read all the stories, bought books, went to therapy, went to meetings, etc and as far as was concerned, i was closer than ever to figuring out this whole mess. I owned my part in the break up and I stopped blamming him. Still something was missing.
When we reconnected and put lots of things on the table, the one big question he asked me was "Why do you lie?" What he was refering to was a lie I told about my past relationships. That lie was the reason, the MAIN reason behind our breakup. It was more of an omission, but hell, im not going to start splitting hairs now. I lie is a lie is a lie! He has not been able to get past it and as far as he is concerned, im a liar and cant be trusted. And guess what, I get it and I own it 100%! I dont blame him or resent him at all for not being able to truly forgive me, those are his feelings and his right. It would have been easier to tell the truth. Sound familiar? Well I didnt really have an answer except that I was ashamed of that shady relationship and much have rather buried it for ever!
HIM of all people, calling ME on my BS. I'm not the alcoholic, Im the one that has it together, Working, going to Nursing School, taking care him and the rest of my family. Then more I thought about it, the more I asked myself, could he be on to something? The more and more I read, the more I see what the affects of being raised in a dysfunctional home did to my present life and it hit me like a ton of bricks! Oh the DENIAL!! I was horrifed at lies I told, not just other but to MYSELF!
The one thing I want to say is thank you to him, for being the first person to care enough to say "hey, WTF is wrong with you?" Even though he has lots of work to do. Which is ironic because It was me that offered to send him some literature about addiction while he is currently in Rehab. We hurt each other terribly and both of us have tons of healing to do and while I still love him very much, Im trying to stay on my side of the street. Its baby steps because I still struggle with control issues. I accept them as my issues. Im very greatful and its quite liberating to finally have a better insight to who I am! It may have taken me longer than I would have wished but, IM HERE NOW!
