Originally Posted by
CodeJob 
Hmmm. I bought myself flowers last Sunday. Maybe I need to just lock the door to the MBR and let everyone wonder what I am doing with that new electric toothbrush?
But returning to fear, I am really afraid of walking away from my marriage. I do not know how to make this decision and feel at peace about it. It makes me sick to give up and admit I could not save my 20 year relationship and walked away because I wanted to get laid and felt lonely in my marriage. It makes me sick to think I would stay because I have a hang up with not failing and too much perseverance. I love RAH but this love is so battered and worn I often just feel like it is a ragged blanket. I keep it more for sentiment than any useful warmth. I am really really struggling with our relationship and believe me this is what me and my HP are meditating about constantly... So far my anxiety level is just creeping up and up. Do I let go by giving up on the marriage or let go by giving it more time? I have mostly ruled out having an outside relationship/affair as I think it would mess with my head and I am too darn moral. Even if I had the guts to ask for an open relationship, I don't think I could do it.
Probably the best thing I can do is just keep working on spring cleaning and step 4.
((CodeJob)), I completely understand exactly what you just said. Every word of it. We'll be married 19 years next month but we've been together for 22 years. That's a dang long time! I, too, have ruled out an outside relationship, even an emotional affair, because I just don't think I could handle another human and their 'stuff' at this point, LOL. And, yes, I hold myself to a higher moral standard than many people do.
I'm sorry you are struggling. You are not alone!