One of my main stumbling blocks to quitting
1st a little background: I have been habitually trying to quit for over 10 years. I have made it 6 months, 4 months, 2 1/2 months, 1 month about 5 times, 10-20 days about 30 times, and 1-10 days infinity times. I come hear all the time reading and using techniques people have suggested like playing the tape, urge surfing, and one day @ a time. And I have gone to AA briefly which i really did not like as I have pretty severe social anxiety which greatly intensifies whenever I decide to quit.
I'm not a super terrible alcoholic as I never drink till 2 pm and never exceed a 12 pack. But i do get a 12 pack everyday for days or weeks at a time.
I have a house, car, and live comfortably so there really isn't a rock bottom except for health concerns which could get worse. And i'm single with very little responsibility as i made my money early in life with a comfortable nest egg.
My main problem when trying to quit is my anxiety and depression. And my main stumbling block are these words, "you always quit in the end, why torture yourself. All this can go away and you can finally feel some release" I mean i can be going great with a ton of confidence that i will never drink again. I can beat 4 or 5 really bad days in a row by using above techniques. And when it passes be super happy that I didn't drink and feeling how utterly stupid it would be to continue drinking.
Then out of nowhere I have a day when logic won't work. I can read everything i've wrote down about being miserable, dark, etc. I will come here and read but in my mind i'm already having a drink. And i will seriously say my stumbling block words, then something about not caring about death, because everyone dies in the end, life is short anyway, and you win devil, you win. It has become such a pattern, i feel powerless to stop it.
right now i feel the only thing that will stop me is something really, really drastic. i do continue to quit and i'm on day 3 right now. and i hope to never give up.... anyway sorry for grammar, punctuation, etc. i think years of abuse have stopped me from writing coherently anymore. i don't know what i'm really asking but i've been on this forum for awhile so i figure it can't hurt to get it out there.